


Jade, Dave, and Karkat, Act 5.

by TheHopeyMage



Series: Alternate Epilogues [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: (cronus mention), (friendsim trolls mention), Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Dirk is trans, Epilogue Multiverse Compliant, F/F, Flirting, Found Family, Homestuck Squared Non-Compliant, M/M, Meta, Multi, Other, Pesterquest Non-Compliant, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Queerplatonic Relationships, Slow Burn, These fuckers sure do eat a lot of pizza oops, Those are the tags on my autobiography as well :), Trans Characters, Trauma, i guess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:07:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 31,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23386366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheHopeyMage/pseuds/TheHopeyMage
Summary: MSPA Reader is brought into the story of Earth C after having written a Fanfic that shaped reality.
Relationships: Calliope/Roxy Lalonde/June Egbert (minor), Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Davepetasprite/Jade Harley, Jade Harley/Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam (minor)
Series: Alternate Epilogues [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1682113
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	1. Multiverse Pirates

**Author's Note:**

> This is the second half of my fic Truth, Relevance, and Essentiality./Jade, Dave, and Karkat. (Which i have made part of the Alternate Epilogues series) The first half informs this half, but since these two kind of become two separate stories and the first one is... pretty similar to the epilogues, I thought I would post this separately as well. I do not think the first is REQUIRED READING for this, so if you don't want to, then you can just read this!

Jade is used to going place to place, but usually, she visits for a while. This time, she just needs time away. There’s something pent up inside her about Dave and Karkat, that she just can’t shake. She can’t calculate it away. Of course, she knows why she’s mad at Karkat right now, but normally she would just clap back, or call him out and move on. But this time something was calling her to get to the root of what’s aching her heart. It doesn’t take a lot of soul searching to discover that the thing in question is love, as inconvenient as it can be.

She sends a message, requesting to spend the night, and starts heading towards the Carapace Kingdom.

ROXY: yo callie, mind if jade comes over tonight?  
CALLIOPE: of coUrse! bUt i thoUght she was staying with dave and karkat… :U oh dear, did something bad happen?  
ROXY: idk she didn’t rly-

They hear a knock at the door. It’s Jade. Calliope approaches and opens the door. Jade looks like someone who was on the verge of angry tears but stopped themself.

CALLIOPE: oh, jade, are yoU alright? come on in…  
JADE: thanks, callie :( hi roxy, sorry for barging in on you two, is it alright if i stay the night?  
ROXY: yea man im cool with that! callie you up for a sleepover?  
CALLIOPE: oh yes! That soUnds fUn ^u^  
CALLIOPE: bUt it seems as if there’s something wrong?  
CALLIOPE: is everything alright jade?  
JADE: no, not really…  
JADE: Karkat was being a dick to me, and i stormed off, but  
JADE: i dont think thats it because if it was, I would have stormed off a long time ago and a lot more frequently :/

She sits down on their couch.

JADE: i dont want to be a bother, but is it alright if i vent?  
ROXY: ofc jade…

Roxy sits down next to Jade, who currently has her head in her hands, seemingly exhausted. Roxy lays a hand on her knee.

CALLIOPE: woUld yoU like me to get Us something to eat? 0u0  
ROXY: ur the best callie <3  
CALLIOPE: ^u^  


Jade relaxes. She sighs, lets her arms down, and whips her hair behind her, leaning back on the couch.

ROXY: why r u here jade  
ROXY: whats goin on in that head of urs  
JADE: im having  
JADE: ugh  
JADE: boy problems :/  
ROXY: lol ive been there that’s 4 fuckin sure.  
JADE: hehehe i thought you might be good to talk to since youre the most dave strider without being actual dave strider  
ROXY: o shit what did he do  
JADE: not much actually  
JADE: im kinda madder at karkat right now?  
JADE: youre just good to talk to in general hehehe  
ROXY ok so what did THEY do?  
JADE: i just feel..  
JADE: well its wrong to say I feel out of place, because I feel really at home with them, they just have these huge walls up they refuse to take down, even for each other!! its frustrating…  
ROXY: i feel that i feel that  
CALLIOPE: I broUght food!! ^u^

Calliope brings in a large plate with four smaller plates, two plates of spaghetti, assumedly for the humans, and two plates for Calliope, and stacked with meat, the other, candy.

JADE: ill save mine for later, im not really hungry right now…  
ROXY: so, ur mad at karkat, wtf happened.  
JADE: he was just being douchey about me being ‘promiscuous’ and shit…  
JADE: i dont know if hes like… pitch flirting, or… if im just taking it wrong? like, if i want to be in that kind of relationship should I just… deal with it? that sounds shitty…  
CALLIOPE: now, typical cherUb caliginoUs relationships are very different from trolls, but most of them resUlted in death… i mention this becaUse the rUles of oUr cUltUres were pretty toxic, so yoU might find it fortUitous not to so closely follow such rUles…  
ROXY: tbf she doesnt really… not from earth anyway  
ROXY: look, jade, I grew up on an earth that had all kinds of troll culture jammed into it, and i have a pretty good intuition for when peeps b waxing pitch for each other  
ROXY: I think what he said to you was just mean, and its super okay for you to feel that way…  
JADE: :( yeah  
ROXY: and look, i love those 2 dumbasses, but u don’t gotta just let them walk over u and shit  
ROXY: ur not really one to let people walk on u tho so u know that  
ROXY: im just sayin, idk karkat super well, but its obv he cares about his friends, hes just shitty at showing it  
ROXY: so like  
ROXY: u gotta tell him what he did was shitty and if he refuses to apologize, thats on him I guess?  
ROXY: lol am I making sense?  
JADE: yeah…

Jade's eyes drift over to one of calliopes plates, the one with large rare steaks. Suddenly she’s very hungry.

JADE: hey callie, can I have one of your steaks?  
CALLIOPE: why yes 0u0 here yoU are

ZAP!! Suddenly, as John takes your hand, the two of you find yourselves in a light golden and purple room. In that room, along with the common Livingroom-Kitchen amenities, are three of John's good friends, Jade, Roxy, and Calliope. Oh holy shit, the meat and candy!!

JADE: :0  
ROXY: :0  
CALLIOPE: :U  
JOHN: woah, alright here we are!  
JOHN: haha, sorry if this is confusing, i’m just here to drop off our friend the reader into the past.  
CALLIOPE: oh dear, john if yoU are Using yoUr retcon abilities… well there mUst be something wrong!! what’s happened?  
JOHN: haha, no need to worry callie. i just needed to make some small edits for some dumb universe reasons I guess  
JOHN: or, i guess i needed to help this guy make edits? haha, whatever, its probably fine.

You notice Jade, as surprised as she is, begins to reach for Calliopes huge steak. Oh shit!! Jade no!! You tell Jade that for the sake of her health, as well as for the sake of the metaphor that this universe hinges on for some fucking reason that she really HAS to pace herself and get an even and healthy amount of both MEAT and CANDY. Like, it is so stupidly important. Ridiculously important.

JADE: oh!  
JADE: um… sorry?  
JADE: ill eat healthier i guess… um  
JADE: im sorry but… who are you?  
JOHN: oh, this is my friend the reader! they are from your future! or i guess an alternate version of someone from a now a retconned version of your future? man, this shit is so dumb haha.

Roxy cocks his hip and looks at you quizzically.

ROXY: wait, y the fuck do they call u the reader?  
ROXY: also, um  
ROXY: his…?  
JOHN: oh, that’s a hard question, i guess they read a story that contained all the events of our adventures with sburb and stuff that surfaced in another dimension or something? i think it’s fucking complicated and i have no idea about any of the specifics.

You try and briefly explain that a white orb-head named Doc Scratch kidnapped you and forced you to read the comic while you were stranded on the moon of an alien planet, but there is pretty much no brief way of explaining any of that shit. Also, you think briefly about how you should conduct yourself with Roxy’s pronouns… Roxy doesn’t go by “he” at the moment, but also you know a version of them where making sure you were accurate about that was important… you suppose you will just check up on Roxy about it later? God you hope he realizes he’s trans soon. That would illuminate a lot of confusion for you, personally.

You suddenly remember what was happening in this scene. This was a very early one, so it has been quite a while, but… Jade is thinking about Dave and Karkat if you remember correctly? Yeah, Karkat said something douchey recently. She looks like she is in deep thought. She looks back and forth at the meat and the candy. You wonder if she is thinking about your advice? Maybe she’s going to use it as a metaphor for her feelings or something. Who fucking knows? She might just be thinking about how dumb and cute all her friends are. She thinks about that pretty often, so that isn’t a horrible guess.

JOHN: okay, i should probably get out of here, haha.  
JOHN: ive got a timeline to get back to and all.  
ROHN: oooo got any spoilers 4 me older john?  
CALLIOPE: no! no spoilers!  
JOHN: hehe, cuties. alright, i’m going to go now. take care, say hi to twenty two year old john for me!  
ROXY: :0!!  
CALLIOPE: 0//////0

And with that, John zaps away. When he does, there is a small breeze, caused by the air flowing back into the empty space he left. It tussles a few loose napkins. You hope he makes it back to his timeline alright. You are certain Rose will help him out, she is rarely wrong about stuff like that.

ROXY: yea, rose is pretty good at that shit, i wouldn’t worry abt it lol  
CALLIOPE: very trUe 0u0  
CALLIOPE: by the by, woUld yoU like to stay for dinner? if yoU two don’t mind of coUrse.  
ROXY: u good with reader stayin for some food?  
JADE: i mean, i wasnt expecting to talk to anyone else today… but sure! theyre cute, so they can stay. hehehe

Oh! Oh man, you don’t want to stay for too long, or else you might accidentally fuck with some weird timeline butterfly effect shit! But at the same time, you are SO fucking hungry. That spaghetti looks really fucking good right now… You don’t want to be rude, but it appears that your pleading expression makes it more than obvious what you would like.

ROXY: im getting this little dude some mf spaghetti one sec

You thank Roxy. You take a moment to ponder how closely this instance of reality will follow to what you wrote in your fanfiction… God, you kind of hope not? Not that you don’t like what you wrote, but… You kind of went off the rails? That other version of you seemed to trust that you needed to change things…

Roxy returns with some food and you scarf that shit down. God, you haven’t had a good meal in so fucking long. Jade is picking at her food and eating small bites. You worry about her, but you’re sure she will figure it out. She’s a smart girl. You just wish you could do something to ensure that she will be in better spirits than she was in your writing… The morals of having written a reality into existence aren’t really something you’re equipped to think about right now, actually. You elect to save this train of thought for later.

You finish your food while the three gods banter about nothing in particular. The topics range from things they want to make to their favorite types of animal, but notably avoids talking about their problems. Now, it may just be that they don’t want to talk about their problems right now, but on the off chance they are avoiding it because you are around, you decide you should probably head out. Who would want to vent to some rando who just magically teleported into your house? They would have to at LEAST teleport outside of their house for that to even be remotely acceptable. When you are done with your food, you thank your hosts for their hospitality and tell them you will be on your way.

CALLIOPE: oh, gone so soon? well, good lUck with yoUr qUest to fix whatever problem occUrred in yoUr timeline!  
ROXY: see ya later man  
JADE: bye!!!  
ROXY: take care out there, its a big city

You tell them that you will be sure to take care of yourself and see yourself out. Once you’re out of their Livingroom you find yourself at the top of a long downward spiral staircase. You begin to descend the tower, admiring the stained glass windows and carapacian architecture. Once you reach the throne room, you exit out onto the Carapace Kingdom streets. It’s late, and the street lamps dimly illuminate the sidewalk.

You suddenly realize you are still fucking homeless. Oh, goddammit. You suppose you could go back and ask to stay, but you already said all your goodbyes, you’re sure it would be some sort of social misstep. But… you don’t really like the idea of being out alone in this big city at night… perhaps you could walk to a less densely populated part of town and find a place to take a nap... or maybe you could find someone to help you? You scan the horizon and begin walking down the street. As you are doing that, you find what looks like some kind of bus stop? That seems like as good a place as any to stop for a moment.

You JUST woke up from a nap. You never really had a sense of time in the Felt Manor, but you’re are sure that your sleep schedule for Earth C is going to be a pain in the ass. You must not have napped for very long, because as you lay back on the bench next to the bus stop, you begin to feel your eyes weigh down, and you drift to sleep.

You are suddenly awoken by the sound of a hover vehicle. For a moment, you’re confused by your surroundings, then you remember what happened. God, you are so fucking glad to be out of that hellhole… it’s still dark, so you didn’t sleep through the night. Why is a bus still out so late…? It’s a golden double-decker bus with no wheels. It just stopped and opened its doors, dispensing a staircase for you to climb up. Inside is a grizzled looking Dersite, piloting the craft with a complicated-looking steering device. Welp, it sure beats laying out in the cold.

You enter the bus. The seats are black with gold stitching. You ask what the price for riding the bus is, fully prepared to attempt to woo this person into letting you go for free.

??: What? No, just take a seat. Are you not from around here?

You inform them that no, you are not from around here.

??: Huh. Well, I might as well let you know that while donations are appreciated, I don’t make people pay for midnight-4am trips. No one out this late has any reason to be driving, so might as well make shit easier for em, ey?

Oh! Well, that is very kind of them to do! You take a seat. The bus is empty except for you two. They’re wearing a thick black trench coat, with a gray sweater underneath. They have a huge scar underneath their right eye. God, this guy looks like he got fucked up…

BD: The names Brooke Dammayer, but people just call me the Bus Driver.

Oh, alright. Sounds good you guess? He begins driving. You peer out the window and see many very fancy looking tall apartment buildings. There are towers, shops, and parks scattered everywhere. It honestly looks like a really nice place to live.

BD: So, where you headed?

Oh, um. You suppose just out of the city? You don’t really have anywhere to go.

BD: Hm. Fair enough. So, what do they call you?

Okay, apparently, it’s small talk time. You weren’t particularly prepared for this, but You suppose you will oblige since he is taking you somewhere for free. You tell him people call you The Reader. It sounds like a really fucking pretentiously avant-garde title when you say it out loud. You probably should have just told him your fucking name.

BD: Oh, a ‘the’ name? You must be rather important! Haven’t met someone who went by ‘the’ since my great grandfather.

You honestly didn’t know that made you special? You ask him who his grandfather was. Also… you didn’t know carapaces could have kids?

BD: Wha- Reader, it’s an adopted family line, you-

He stops the bus and slowly turns towards you. He’s squinting, like he is wracking his mind to fully understand what you just said to him.

BD: Do you not know where baby’s come from?

No, you do!! You swear you do!! You neglect to tell him that for his specific species, no, you in fact have no fucking idea where baby’s come from. He takes that answer and continues driving. It’s a bit quiet, so you quickly try to change the subject. You ask him who his great grandfather was again. You’re pretty sure you won’t know him, no matter how important he was.

BD: Heh, I like to keep a quiet life, so I don’t really go about tellin a lot of people. My grandfather was The Mayor.

Oh, holy shit, really!? That’s like, the one person he could have said that you could recognize! He must be rather old then…

BD: hehe, yeah, im getting on in years, but in reality, there should be a few more greats attached to ‘great grandfather’. Havin my 600th in a few months actually.

Oh wow, you had no idea carapaces lived that long…

BD: What? Aren’t you a carapacian?

You tell him, no, in fact, you are not. You have squishy skin and you bruise easily. Now that you think of it… you do kind of look like one. A lot. But despite that, you are totally a human. Totally. He side-eyes you suspiciously for a moment before carrying on.

BD: Fair enough. I’m gonna take you to a safer part of the outskirts, until then, why not try and get some rest?

You take him up on that offer. You could really use some. Yeah, you are going to have a hell of a time affixing your sleep cycle to this planet's schedule. You lean back and allow yourself to rest once more. The noise of the engine and the buzzing lights help you lull off into sleep.

For a brief moment, you’re dreaming. You dream that you’re playing a game… playing… Sburb? Who are you playing it with? You don’t recognize the house you are in. As you exit the house into your land, everything feels… blurry. Like your eyes won’t let you focus on any of the details of this land. It is almost as if your eyes are split trying to see a million different images at once. Then, you begin to fly. Are you god tiered? You don’t recognize your clothes…

BD: Ey.  
BD: Ey, kid.  
BD: I wanna go home, wake the fuck up.  
BD: Sigh.  
BD: HEY KID, IT’S YOUR STOP!!

You wake up suddenly. Oh shit, it’s your stop. Welp, the shelter has been nice while it lasted. There are still a few buildings here and there, but it is clear that this is no longer the big city. It’s still dark outside. What time is it?

BD: Oh good, you’re finally awake.  
BD: It’s about 6AM.  
BD: Sun’s probably gonna come up soon.

Huh. Okay. You thank Bus Driver for the ride. He tells you that it wasn’t a bother, he’s happy to help someone who needs it. You tell him to have a good day, and he does the same. Once you are dropped off, you look around you. To one side of you, there are the beginnings of what looks like a small carapacian town, with a post office and a grocery store nearby. On the other side of the road, there is a dense forest. On the horizon of the small town, there is one singular tall tower. At the base of the tower, you suddenly see the sun begin to rise. It hurts a little, but you almost forget to stop looking because of how tame it is in comparison to the Alternian sun.

You debate on which direction to go. The town may have more people who can fill you in on what the hell is going on, but at the same time, you still don’t have anywhere to go? No real goal to work towards… You begin walking down the road, on the border between this town and the forest.

As you walk down the trail, you ponder your goal. You sent yourself here, albeit a different version of yourself, so there must be a reason. Sure, there are some obvious ways that the story you crafted could be better, never mind the story you read… but what specifically are you supposed to do? Now it just seems like you are lost and alone on a planet where you don’t know anybody, instead of a planet where you have friends… Oh, and also this planet isn’t an actual hellscape for the most part. Like, sure, there had to be SOME way BD got his scar, but this planet is pretty peaceful all things considered. Oh, fuck you should have asked him how he got that scar! Fuck, you totally blew it. Well, you suppose if you ever meet him again you can ask.

As you are walking along the sidewalk, you notice how the grass pushes up through the increasingly unkempt concrete. You begin to realize that the forest to your right is getting more and more… tropical. ‘There’s no way,’ you think… but there is a way. Could this be the same jungle where you wrote in the cherub portal? As you continue walking down the path it keeps looking more and more like you imagined in your head while you were writing… Tall trees, early morning light poking through the canopy, vines connecting trees… This could be it, couldn’t it?

You veer right and sprint right into the jungle. You do consider for a moment that dangerous creatures absolutely do in fact live in this, but it only passes through your mind for a second before being overrun with the possibility that you could see your friends again. There it is, a shitty liberty. You must be getting closer. As you run, you begin to notice near some of the liberties are dig sites. They have been excavating these liberties for quite some time now… When you happen upon an opening in the trees, you see the biggest hole yet. This is it. You think you must be dreaming, but that would be a really dumb way to guide a story. You descend down the dirt steps into the bottom of the hole. At the bottom, you find… nothing. Your heart sinks, but only for a moment when you remember… they must be digging to something? Otherwise, why would they be digging here? Well, you guess they could just dig random places without knowing if they will find anything, but you’re desperate. Desperate for a reason to be here, and desperate for your palls.

You begin scraping at the dirt. As you dig with your hands as fast as you can, dirt begins to get under your nails and sweat begins to bead at your forehead. You want to work quickly, as you could get in trouble if you get caught doing this, but at the same time, you have no idea how long it will take. You are about to give up when you accidentally hit a finger against a rock and break your nail. Fuck, that shit hurts… wait… was it a rock? You begin dusting that area with your fingers. That’s metal. Not green metal, but silver. What is this? You begin digging with more purpose, you uncover this… thick sheet of metal… You uncover about 8 inches of it when you notice something else… Something that looks like a busted ass keyboard. Oh, shit. You’re going to need a shovel.

Now, you wouldn’t describe yourself as any sort of kleptomaniac, but you really, really want to fucking steal this. You want it so bad, in fact, you are absolutely sure that you want it more than whoever started digging this hole did. Come on, there has GOT to be a shovel around here somewhere. Why the fuck wouldn’t they leave their shovels here? What are they worried about, someone coming to steal shit? Why the fuck can’t you find a shovel?

You continue to look around, and you notice that in the opposite direction you came from, just beyond the trees, there is a Consort Village. Huh. The skyline doesn’t look much like what you imagined the Consort Kingdom would look like. You always envisioned that the Consort Kingdom had a lot of architecture reminiscent of the Sburban Lands that they came from… but in the distance, you don’t see anything of the sort. Instead what you see is just regular… buildings… Oh, wait is this supposed to be Little LoWaS? Didn’t John live in a little town of salamanders? You wonder… You don’t want to intrude on the lives of the gods here too much until you know exactly what you are doing, but this has got to be a priority, right? Plus, if you can’t find John, maybe you could just steal a shovel from one of the salamanders here? Listen, if you are going to steal something anyway there is no reason not to just fucking steal a way to steal more shit.

You burst through the trees and bushes, forcing your way through the branches and leaves. You don’t sprint, as you don’t want to look suspicious. This is a pretty dumb goal since you just came out of the jungle into this random ass town with dirt all over you. The buildings around you look like large tubes made into huts. Coming and going from these buildings are little yellow salamander people, having conversations with who you assume are their families, and purchasing various goods from each other.

The whole scene is rather charming. These cute little guys don’t seem to have a care in the world, but they act with such purpose. That one has a little hat on. Is he going to work? What is his job? What will he do? You honestly have no idea why you are so fixated on these wonderful folks, but it may be because… You’re jealous? They have such an easy time just giving themselves something to do, with no need to really think about it. They are completely detached, with no need to introspect at all… Huh, maybe that’s why John lives around so fuckin many of them. Speaking of John…

There’s his house. It looks just like you remember it. You wonder if it would be bad form just to… walk up and knock. You’re sure he wouldn’t mind, he’s a nice guy like that. But what would you even say… ‘Oh, hi John, we were buds in another dimension! Want to come helps me pull an artifact out of the dirt so I can take it to the home I don’t have?’ Maybe this is kind of a dumb idea… but you don’t have any other ideas. You take a deep breath and approach the house. You walk up the path, past the mailbox, and raise your hand to knock.

SALAMANDER: OH MY GOD, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?

What the fuck? Oh, it’s some salamander kid. He’s really small and he has a tiny little baseball cap on. You would be more charmed if he didn’t just curse the hell out of you. You aren’t sure what to say. Do you… Ignore him? You just look at him, lost for what you’re supposed to do in this scenario.

SALAMANDER: We’re you REALLY just about to knock on the door of the GOD of BREATH!?

You tell him, um, yeah. Are you not supposed to do that?

SALAMANDER: WOOOOOOAAAAAH!!! Who ARE you? Do you know The Heir? Are you two FRIENDS!?

You kind of shuffle around awkwardly, looking at the door, then back at the salamander. You are really considering just ditching this conversation and knocking, but that seems like an incredibly rude thing to do. So, you meekly tell the kid, no, you aren’t really friends with him, but you do want to meet him.

SALAMANDER: OH MY GOD THAT IS SO COOL!!!! I’VE ONLY SEEN HIM LIKE 27 TIMES AND IT CHANGED MY LIFE!!!!

Twenty-seven seems like a pretty large number for him to be as excited as he is. You briefly consider telling this kid that, but he seems very excited. Regardless of if they are Troll, Human, Carapace, or Salamander, kids being excited about stuff is cute, end of discussion. Wait, can carapaces be kids? You know they can be excited about stuff… goddammit, you REALLY should have questioned BD more. That was such an amazing opportunity to learn and you COMPLETELY squandered it. Although, you suppose this planet DOES have the internet. You could just look it up at a library or something. You wonder if this town has a library… You’re sure it does, what kind of town doesn’t have a library? A town without a library is like a cowboy without a-

SALAMANDER: CAN I COME WITH YOU!?

Oh. Uh. God, you aren’t sure what to say. On one hand, this kid sure is excited, and you aren’t really important enough to say you deserve to meet John more than he does, but on the other hand, it seems like inviting yourself and some random kid into Johns life uninvited is a much worse social misstep than just inviting yourself. Plus, didn’t this kid just say he met John over twenty times? Thankfully, it looks like something is going to attempt to solve your awkward salamander problem.

A distinguished gentleman with circular glasses and a well-groomed mustache comes out of the house, and questions what you and the salamander are doing here. You do not respond.

SALAMANDER: OH SHIT WRONG HOUSE SORRY FUCK  
JOHN: (here, come on inside!)  
JOHN: (hehehe.)

You do in fact realize that this is not some random distinguished gentleman, but John. He ushers you into the house. The air is stale like he never remembers to open a window. Dust piles on the counters and shelves. The only thing in the living room that looks recently used is the couch. You think you remember that being where Dave and John had their ‘bro talk’ only a day ago. You ask John why he let you in.

JOHN: oh, an older version of me used his retcon powers to tell me to look out for you, haha.

Ah, well that was very nice of him. You aren’t sure how you would have gotten out of that one without him, so thanks! You wonder out loud to John, what all did old John tell him about you? You hope only good things, you have no idea what kind of shit your fic-self got up to after you stopped writing about them. Shit could have gotten incredibly fucking stupid without you there to keep shit under wraps!!

JOHN: not a whole lot, just that an alternate universe version of his pal would be in the area and I should look out for him.  
JOHN: i told him it was all good. i totally wasn’t expecting to have company over three times in two days though, haha.

Oh, well you hope you aren’t being intrusive! It's just that you are kind of homeless, and figuring out what the hell to do from here has been a pain in the ass.

JOHN: oh man, i’m so sorry to hear about that!!

It’s no problem, you tell him, you’re used to it by now. The only hiccup is that the broken-down tower you used to use as shelter is on another planet. That planet also happens to be in another universe. Shit isn’t exactly turning up Reader today. But don’t worry, you can handle it!!

JOHN: wow, that’s really rough. you can stick around here for a little while if you want though.

Part of you wants to assume he is offering his home to you for the night, but out of politeness you assume, he is just referring to a bit of today. You tell him you do not want to be a bother, but you appreciate his offer. In fact, you may just take his offer! You ask if there is anywhere to wash off, you are so fucking dirty right now.

JOHN: oh yeah, there’s a bathtub just around to corner over there.

Sweet!! You thank John and head off to the bathroom. There, you quickly wash off. The dirt doesn’t come off easily, but with enough scrubbing, the job is done. You probably should have taken your hoodie off, but you DID want to wash it as well? It’s alright though, a wet hoodie isn’t anything a good rubbing with a towel can’t fix! You rub the hoodie for a good long while. It’s still kind of damp, but that’s okay, you will ask to use the washing machine later.

Damp and clean, you exit the bathroom and head to the living room where John sits on the couch. He doesn’t seem to really know what else to do when someone is over at his house other than just sit down and wait for conversations to happen. Well, luckily for him, you don’t know what to do other than force conversations, so you ask him what he has been up to.

JOHN: oh, haha, well i have mostly been… idk, on the internet and re-watching movies. other than today and yesterday, where you are the third person to come and visit, haha.

You can’t tell whether he likes that people are visiting or not.

JOHN: i mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to feel a little less lonely, but I guess i’m less used to it than i used to be?

Well, you have it on good authority his friends miss him if that changes anything. He could always ask to go hang out with one or more of them!

JOHN: yeah, i’m sure people do, haha. but i’m also pretty sure everyone’s got their own shit to do as well, so i don’t want to get in the way or anything!

Oh man, John is reminding you a lot of yourself right now, and it is REALLY bumming you out. You have got to get this dude to get out there and socialize with his friends ASAP. You declare to yourself that there will not be ONE MORE YEAR of this staying inside and not talking to/seeing anyone shit for John!! You are now dedicated to getting this guy to go see his friends!! But what angle to take it from… Hmmmm…

You ask him, what about Roxy? His eyes go a little wider.

JOHN: what?  
JOHN: haha, what about roxy?

Roxy misses you. A lot actually!! You were JUST at her house, so you should know! In fact, Roxy and Callies' house is the first place you ended up in Earth C! You think that Roxy would REALLY appreciate it if you went and visited! Or even if you hit them up to hang out somewhere!

JOHN: wow… she told you that?

No, but you do know that and you were in fact just at his house, but you elect not to tell John. Yes! Roxy told you that exactly! This lie is sure to never have any repercussions.

JOHN: well, i guess that’s good to know… but i’m actually kind of scared to go meet her now… what if she doesn’t like me as i am now?

But wasn’t John worried about that with Dave too? You think maybe John may be skewing his perception out of his favor. There’s no way to know until you try.

John is slouched on his couch. He looks around at the dusty steps behind him and takes a deep breath. Suddenly, a slight but very present smile appears on his face. He looks at you, closes his eyes, and takes another deep, deep breath. The breath of someone who is trying to convince themselves of doing something they had silently decided they would never do again.

JOHN: yeah, you’re right.  
JOHN: you’re right!!  
JOHN: and you know what?  
JOHN: i’ll text her.  
JOHN: um…  
JOHN: do you mind if i do that tomorrow instead?

Oh, yeah, no problem! He doesn’t have to ask your permission; he is literally a god. You think he probably forgets that more often than he should. He still looks tired. He still looks like someone who hasn’t felt alive in quite some time. But there is a hope in his heart that wasn’t there a little while ago. A readiness to get out there and… maybe even fucking DO something, just to see what happens.

JOHN: hey, reader, do you want…  
JOHN: a house?

Oh fuck yeah you want a house, is John kidding you!?

JOHN: well, there are some open apartments in the carapacian capital if you wouldn’t mind living there?

You wouldn’t mind that at all!! You do ask John if… he would mind helping you move in?

JOHN: oh, sure i guess. do you even have stuff?

You do in fact have stuff. You have one stuff, and it is currently a dozen feet into the jungle, 90% submerged under the ground.

JOHN: haha, how the fuck did it get there?

Timeline shit, John, it’s always fucking timeline shit!!

JOHN: i guess that makes sense?  
JOHN: wow, i thought maybe i grew out of just blindly trusting weird shit!  
JOHN: unfortunately, blindly trusting weird shit has only ever proven me right, so fuck it i guess. where’s your stuff again?

You lead him out of the house. He puts on his clever disguise, and you take him to the dig site. He takes note of the busted keyboard, and you request that he helps you dig it out. He briefly mentions not having a shovel before you remind him that he can control the wind. He uses the breeze to unbury this thing, and lo and behold. Four screens, a keyboard, lots of tubes, and a vague house shape. It’s a fucking command station!! John doesn’t know what that is.

You ask John if he can carry it, since you are incredibly frail and this thing is huge.

JOHN: hahaha, what? don’t you have a fetch modus?

You sigh and tell John no; you don’t have a Fetch Modus. You aren’t quite up to date on all the latest fashion. This is an ironic statement since it looks like John has been alchemizing the next size up of the same T-Shirt for years. John is being really nice right now though, so you won’t call him out on that. He Captchalogues it and you thank him profusely. He grabs you by the hand and flies you through the jungles and over three or four carapacian towns, all the way back to the capital with those tall buildings, parks, and shops. He leads you to one of the towers and talks to a nice tealblood lady about getting You a room. You are so fucking excited. Your own fucking house!? Finally!! The two of you ascend the staircase and find your room. It is incredibly empty, but you at least have one thing to take up space, and you are sure you will acquire more. John places the command station, and dirt spreads onto the ground. You will have to figure out a way to fucking fix that thing. Again, you thank him.

JOHN: no problem, i’m glad i could help!  
JOHN: but no offense, your one possession looks like a piece of shit!

You take a little offense. You like to think your hoodie is nice, but that might just be the sentimental value. John takes a couple of looks around the apartment. It’s really nice, other than the dirt. He sighs.

JOHN: hm…  
JOHN: i should get you some furniture, shouldn’t i?

You tell John he doesn’t need to worry about you! You have been living without a bed for… holy fuck a bed. Okay wait can he get a bed? Jesus you have missed having a bed. Fuck your life you need a bed more than anything.

JOHN: alright, i’ll fly off and get that for you, one sec!

John opens a window and flies out. One of the walls of the apartment is all windows, giving you a very good view of some parks, as well as the towers that the Lalonde’s live in with their significant others.

You begin to ponder how you are going to decorate your home, and then a million other problems suddenly crash into your mind like a piano being dropped on Wile E. Coyote. You finally got off Alternia, but you aren’t home. Have you given up? Is it official? You feel like you just came to terms with Alternia being your new home. And now… it’s gone. You feel yourself begin to lose balance. You sit on the ground and try to shift your mind from your problems. You grip Mallek’s hoodie. Okay, you have way too many problems for that to work. Try something else. Well, if you can’t not think about all the horrible things going on in your weird and fucked up life, why not try to think about different problems. Ones that are more recent. Ones that are closer. You just solved a big one, shelter. That’s nice. Go you. Honestly, it has been so long since you could ever consider someplace your home that you should be a lot more excited about it than you currently feel. Okay, so what else? A fanfiction you wrote to vent is a real alternate reality. That’s pretty fucked up, huh? You think back to Jade. God, you hope she is okay. You kind of wish you stuck around with Roxy and Callie. He makes a mean bowl of spaghetti.

John comes back. Thank goodness. He has a bed. You thank him and climb onto the large plain-looking queen-sized mattress. You don’t think you are ready to fall asleep, but all that sprinting and digging really did a number on you. That number is exhaustion. You think you are going to take a little nap.

JOHN: hehehe  
JOHN: alright buddy, sleep well!  
JOHN: man, you look really fucking rough.  
JOHN: take care.  
JOHN: i guess i’ll go um  
JOHN: sit at my house?  
JOHN: hmmm

He takes a good long look at Roxy and Callie’s tower.

JOHN: i’ll hit her up tomorrow…  
JOHN: because if i don’t then i will have lied to this poor small… carapace?  
JOHN: this poor guy!  
JOHN: yeah, that wouldn’t be a good thing, i’m sure.  
JOHN: anyway, bye reader, have a good midday sleep!

A week has passed. It has been difficult reconditioning yourself to this new environment, but it has slowly become the new normal. You have a chair now. A whole week on this planet and all you have is a bed, a chair, and this huge hunk of metal you haven’t quite started reconstructing. Worse, despite talking to a few people, you haven’t quite made any friends. You haven’t really left the house, so maybe that’s why. Listen, back on Alternia you need to keep yourself safe, and now that you have a safe home, it’s really hard to convince yourself to leave. Not that you acted all that safe when you were on Alternia? Okay, maybe you are just making excuses for yourself. You look out the window. It’s a sunny day with a light wind. It’s about time you took a walk outside.

Saying you haven’t left the house at all is a bit of a stretch. You put your keys in your hoodie pocket. You have actually been doing a little job hunting to see if you can get some boonies for, oh you know, something other than a chair. You walk down the steps into the lobby. You’ve seen a few coffee shops that are looking for new employees, but you have a hard time selling your usefulness to yourself, so you haven’t bothered to try and clumsily convince your would-be boss that you deserve to, not only stick around but get paid to do so.

The lobby is a deep, comforting purple, with golden accents, emitting light. The carpet, however, is a deep red. You nod at the Tealblood, who’s name you have learned is Teskar. You tried calling her “Tessy” once, and she wasn’t that into it. There’s a group of rowdy Humans and Carapaces gathering up some shared funds to pay for an apartment. You hope they aren’t going to move in above you. You exit into the streets of the city, and begin walking along a path.

The path leads to the large park that sits in between your apartment complex and the towers that the gods live in. You live rather close to them, but you don’t see them around a lot. This must be because you never leave the house, because the second you say that in your head you run into one of them. Oh, holy fuck you just literally walked face-first into Rose Lalonde. Jesus, great first impression. You stumble over backward. As you begin to gather yourself you begin apologizing. God damn are you really fucking this up so bad first try? You begin to lose confidence when you recall none of your friend gathering expertise was actually yours to begin with. To your surprise, Ms. Lalonde and her wife do not seem terribly upset with you. They don’t even seem bothered at all, actually.

ROSE: Oh, hello there.  
KANAYA: You Must Be The One John Told Us About  
KANAYA: He Was Right About Your Appearance

Oh damn, you hope John wasn’t shit talking you.

KANAYA: You Are Just Peculiar Thats All  
KANAYA: Not A Carapacian

Well at least it’s easy to figure out what you aren’t. You may be able to form some sort of identity based on the process of elimination.

ROSE: There’s no need to worry on that front. Welcome to the neighborhood, Reader.

You thank them. With that, they are off. The two of them follow along the pathway in the opposite direction you were going. You are about to continue down the brick road when you notice them. Three Gods sitting under a tree, having a picnic. OH FUCK NO. You begin sprinting over to a tree that is far enough away they probably won't notice you hiding behind it, and try to listen. It’s too windy, dammit. You lean over and peak around the tree. Okay, thank fuck, looks like there isn’t any meat or candy, other than a small portion meant for Callie. And, just as you suspected, it’s Callie, Roxy, and John. Well, you guess he wasn’t bullshitting when he said he would catch up with them sooner in this time line. You mean timeline. 

Roxy taps John on the shoulder. They are laughing… Callie looks distracted… are John and Roxy… Flirting? Oh shit, nice John! Okay you HAVE to get closer. There is a bush that’s about 10 feet out, but there’s no way you are getting that close without getting caught… You briefly consider respecting their privacy. Haha, yeah right. You sprint towards the bush and dive in.

You are nestled securely within the bush. Fuck yes. You listen in.

ROXY: o haha yeah…  
ROXY: you kno janey, shes a little quirky :/

Oh fuck, what are they talking about? You wish you had context for any of this. Oh, fuck a bus passes by. You don’t hear anything for a solid minute and a half.

JOHN: i don’t really think about that stuff too much?  
JOHN: i mean i guess it’s kind of weird?  
JOHN: but it’s not like im uncomfortable like… how we are…  
JOHN: i guess it kind of snuck up on me!

Wait, what snuck up on him? Fuck, you jostle slightly to try and get your ears closer.

ROXY: i rly appreciate you talkin to me abt this stuff john  
ROXY: yknow  
ROXY: gotta communicate when ur tryin to figure out somethin like this

Waaaaaaait what the fuuuuuuck? What is happening? Are they dating already? Are they…. talking about the idea of dating? You need answers so bad goddammit!!

CALLIOPE: that is very trUe… personally, i jUst feel-  
CALLIOPE: oh dear!  
CALLIOPE: who… who’s lower body is that?  
ROXY: o shit is somebody stuck?  
CALLIOPE: look at that bUsh over there :U  
ROXY: omg their whole ass is just out

Oh goddammit. Apparently, only your head is hidden. You tear out of there, taking most of the bush with you. That’s fine, nothing wrong with some sticks and leaves to complete the look! You fucking gun it to your house.

Y’know, all things considered, this walk could have gone worse. You don’t check behind you, just in case, they haven’t recognized you yet. Your getup is fairly distinct, but you would rather not risk it. A carapacian woman with a cradle looks at you like you are the weirdest thing she has seen all year. You mean, that’s fair, it’s only April. When you get to your apartment, you slow down and try to act natural, but you are panting heavily. You return to your room and faceplant onto your bed.

You slip into a pattern. The pattern is as follows: You wake up at 12 PM, you stay on your palmhusk until 3:30, Convince yourself to go get breakfast at around 4:13, try to convince yourself to do something or try to make some friends and then ultimately fail, returning to sitting at your bed at 5. You have been tinkering with your machine, but you can’t spend too much time on that without getting exhausted and bored.

You used to love making friends. Part of you still does, but… it feels like an impossible task these days. The worst part is, the people in your life now that you KNOW feel like… untouchable celebrities. Literal Gods can’t possibly have the time or the patience for someone like you. But they are the only ones on this planet you have any connection to…

You have considered going to a support group. You’ve done some research, but you aren’t sure which ones are most apt for what you are going through. Post-traumatic stress is one thing, but the experience of leaving your planet behind never to see it again is something fairly unique. You aren’t sure if it matters. You aren’t sure if you are making excuses or not.

Perhaps you should just treat people normally. You know the lore better than anyone, these people were just kids not to long ago… Perhaps putting these people on a pedestal is… selfish? You say this as they live in giant temple-like towers. Well, John lives in a house. So do Dave and Karkat. But acting like they haven’t put themselves on pedestals is a little silly.

Days turn to weeks. This isn’t right. You don’t want to live like this. You want to take care of yourself. You want to buy a fucking fridge. You pull yourself out of bed. Okay, you’re doing this. You are going out. To buy a fridge? It’s as good an excuse as any. You peer out your window, over at the towers… Perhaps you just need to take the next step. The next action that will really help you connect with your fellow man… Perhaps the best way to find out things is to ask. You do the most daring thing a Homestuck Reader can do. You go outside.

Outside it’s a cold and windy day. You didn’t know Earth C could get windy. You didn’t know it was possible for there to be bad weather on this planet at all, really. You suppose good and bad weather is relative. The rain can be quite nice sometimes, and other times it can burn your skin and rot your flesh to the bone. You warm your hands in your hoodie pocket. You walk on the concrete path that goes through the park on the way to the two towers. You have no idea what you are going to say once you get there. You just feel like if you don’t now, you will never be able to convince yourself it’s a good idea.

You arrive. After knocking on the front door of Roxy and Callies tower, you wait. You pull your hood shut. After about a minute, the door is opened and you are ushered inside.

ROXY: omg hey!  
ROXY: its u!

It’s you.

ROXY: where tha fuck u been? Heard john gave u a place near here then u kinda disappeared?  
ROXY: cmon lets head upstairs  
ROXY: getchu smth warm its shitty out there

Roxy leads you up the spiral staircase. They are wearing grey leggings with their iconic mutant cat tee-shirt. As the two of you ascend, you explain that, yes you still exist, and yes you are still neighbors. You have just been having a hard time convincing yourself that leaving the apartment is a worthwhile investment. Kind of hard to convince yourself to do anything when the foundation of what you thought your life was going to be got shifted so dramatically so many times in such a short period of time. Hm, maybe you are laying on your depression kind of thick. You don’t want Roxy to think you are fishing for pity, but at the same time, shit kinda sucks!

ROXY: i getchu  
ROXY: john was feelin that shit pretty hard recently  
ROXY: luckily hes been getting out of the house with callie and i every now and then :)

Oh, has he? You are so curious what her relationship status with Egbert is, but you don’t want to come off as nosey.

ROXY: its they nowadays  
ROXY: lol

You will keep that in mind.

The two of you enter the living room. On the couch, you see Callie, as expected, but to your slight surprise, you also see John. John and Callie both look tired, the two of them wearing hoodies and pajamas. This is probably the most casual you have ever seen Callie dress! You aren’t quite sure if it’s late or if they were up late last night. Time has been getting away from you as of late. You are far too embarrassed to ask what time it is, so you just wave, and the two of them wave lazily back, John closes his eyes.

CALLIOPE: oh hello there! it has been qUite some time now hasn’t it?

Yeah, it really has been. Seeing John here makes you wonder… How different is this timeline from the one you created? Are John and Callie going to start dating Roxy again? Have they already? And if this is the same… what else will be? And more importantly, to what extent can you effect it? To what extent can you change things, or are you just doomed to know just how horrible things can go?

That isn’t fair, is it? Bad things happen, don’t they? That’s just how life is. That changes, however, when there is an artificer. An author, who is responsible. If an author is responsible for the reality to create, what is that responsibility? To teach lessons, but be kind in the end, or to give that world realism? Or is it just to make a point? Why did you write anything at all?

ROXY: um  
JOHN: hey, are they alright?  
ROXY: no idea hold up  
ROXY: YO READER  
ROXY: YOU GOOD???

Oh, fuck, how long have you been staring off into space like that? Dammit, this habit you’ve made of rambling metatextual internal monologues has got to stop. At the very least, you need to tone it down a bit. Why did you come here again? Oh yeah, talking to people. Fuck.

You tell Calliope and John that it is nice to see them again.

JOHN: how has the new place been?

It’s been alright. You have just been staying in it a bit too long recently. Getting some of that not-from-this-reality blues. John and Roxy look at each other and grimace. Wait, is that a sore subject? Shit, are they from a different universe or something? Fuck, you don’t remember what happened in Homestuck, there was just so fucking much of it!

Roxy leads you to a chair and sits down. They look at you with an expression that fills your soul with emotion. Maybe filling is the wrong verb. It’s more like it sucks all the apathy away, leaving only the emotions you have been long neglecting. Sadness, kindness, understanding… none of this was portrayed on those armless sprites, at least not to this depth. This isn’t just a comic anymore, is it? at least it isn’t to you. You can’t just use your knowledge of Homestuck to meta-game your way into a friendship with these people. You want to focus on talking with these three. They probably understand you better than anyone else on this planet, but can you understand them?

You do talk to them, but you have a hard time focusing. They offer you food, and you take some. You small talk, discussing things around the carapace kingdom to do for fun, as well as recent Earth C developments. You want to bond with them, and maybe you will, but first, you need to get some things figured out inside your spherical head. After a hearty meal and a minor panic attack at seeing John eye Callies bowl of candy, you say goodnight to the sburban survivors and head home.

On your way back home, you see Earth C. Obviously not all of Earth C. You see a park in a city in a kingdom on Earth C. The significant word is See. You actually see it. The amount of narrative fuckery in your life has made it hard to tell if you ever really are anywhere, or if you ever really exist. But right now, you can tell… You’re here. Not only are you here, but You are the person who is here. It’s You. The word “You” pervades your entire existence, but this sense of “You-ness” has eluded you until now. It feels amazing and incredibly out of place at the same time.

Perhaps things will be different this time, now that you aren’t the one in control. The one thing that is certain, is that this time You will be different. It starts with that machine. So you get to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, thanks for reading m'fic! You might notice that future chapters don't have the MSPA style text, and that's because I am currently going through chapters and editing them one by one. This might take a while, but I just wanted to let any readers know what the deal is if you start reading while this process is going on 0u0.


	2. Call Me

There it is. You have done it. After six long months of work, you have completed it. In front of you a tall house shaped machine stands, refurbished. You will admit, a lot of those six months were spent being depressed, and an even greater amount of that time was spent trying to teach yourself how to be a mechanic without destroying something, but in the end you have done it. Well, almost. You have yet to turn it on. Welp, no time like the present. Fearful, you take the plug towards the outlet on the wall and, before you can convince yourself not to, you plug it in.

You anticipate something dramatic like a power outage or something else appropriate for a huge device that needs a lot of power, but all that happens is the sound of a whirring machine. The whirring isn’t even any worse than a typical computer. You take a look, and on the bottom right you see a green blinking cursor on a black screen. You’ve done it. You think Mallek would be proud.

You survey your surroundings. It has been six months since a middle-aged John Egbert zapped you from Felt Manor to Earth C. In that time you have accrued a bed, a chair, a table, and some knickknacks that sit on a shelf by the door. Your house is bland and white, just like your orb of a head. At least you did a good job of cleaning out the dirt from your mechanics hobby. Is this a hobby? Can something be considered a hobby if it is pretty much all you have been doing for multiple months? You prefer the word “hobby” to the word “obsession”, so you stick with calling it your hobby.

You don’t know why you have been so obsessed with constructing this thing. You suppose it could be because it’s your only lead… but your only lead to what? What is the mystery you are trying to solve? It could be that this is the best way to widen your scope of knowledge of your reality by way of observation, but what do you need knowledge for anyway? What was it all for?

You in no way wish to use the command station to issue commands. Not anymore. You felt what it was like to be the one in control, and if you are being frank, you would like to just allow this reality to guide itself. No, you would much prefer just to be able to see. This time spent trying to figure out your own motivations is really starting to mentally tire you out. Maybe it isn’t complicated, maybe you are just curious what the fuck is going on in this reality!

You have no point of reference for what the hell is going on anymore, so there is no harm in doing a little investigating. There, you did it. You have justified your weird voyeuristic tendencies, once and for all. Now, which of your acquaintances whose lives you have complete encyclopedic knowledge of should your spy on first? You need to test this thing out.

You know who. It has to be Jade, right? You fear for her well being about as much as your own, and since you landed in the middle of her nice meal with Roxy and Callie, you haven’t seen or heard from her. So, you type in some coordinates into the machine and, after fixing a few syntax errors, you see inside their house.

Dave and Karkat sit on the right-hand side of the couch, Dave on the arm and Karkat in the middle, and Jade takes up the other half of the couch, laying sideways across the left portion of the couch. You can’t tell what they are wearing, as they are all under blankets, but what you can tell is that they just got back from outside. You see three coats and jackets scattered across the floor in front of them, all appropriately warm for the fall weather. Two long trench coats, one brown and one black, and… what is that? It looks like just a thicker version of Karkat’s sweaters. This guy has no style variety. If Karkat was the only troll you had ever met, you surely would assume that trolls don’t care for fashion at all.

You can’t tell what movie they are watching, but it looks like two iguanas are embracing each other tenderly.

Karkat: …

Karkat: DAVE?

Karkat: ARE YOU… ARE YOU CRYING?

Dave: man stfu

Jade: its okay dave, the story is very sweet!

Dave: they just

Dave: they love each other so fucking much

Karkat: OKAY, WHAT? THIS IS THE PLAINEST ROM COM I HAVE EVER SEEN!!

Karkat: AND I HAVE SEEN A *LOT* OF HUMAN ROMANTIC COMEDIES, SO THAT IS SAYING SOMETHING!

Jade: karkat, dont be a dick! this is a very touching movie!

Dave: yeah man

Dave: if a guy cant sob his eyes out to a couple of slobbery reptiles then what the fuck can he do

Jade: okay dave, im going to have to stop you there. only the salamanders to the spit bubble thing!!

Jade: you are dangerously close to being offensive :p

Dave: whos side are you on harley

Jade: mine, duh!!

Jade stands up. She’s wearing a beige dress with a belt around the middle. The belt is currently loose. She walks over to the kitchen to grab an apple juice. For the sake of easy call backs, they always keep the fridge well stocked with apple juice. You never know when you might need to make a reference to your childhood memes. The fridge is of course well stocked with all kinds of other things, like eggs, fruits, and leftover grub loaf.

Jade looks over at Dave and Karkat. The vacancy she made on the left side of the couch remains unfilled. It could be just so that Jade can have her seat back, but the two boys remain conspicuously close. She raises an eyebrow and smiles.

Karkat: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!?

Jade: hey do you guys want pizza tonight?

Karkat: DON’T FUCKING IGNORE ME!!!!

Dave: pizza sounds alright

Dave: hey karkat what do you think

Dave: you good with some good ol fucking za

Dave: down to slam some Italian sausage

Dave: i mean

Dave: um

Karkat: I WILL NOT LET YOUR INNUENDO DISTRACT ME, STRIDER.

Jade: hey karkat

Karkat: HM?

Jade: shut the fuck up

Jade: ;P

Karkat pouts. Jade puts a pizza in the oven.

Karkat: PIZZA SOUNDS GOOD.

Dave: hell yes

Dave: im so ready for that shit

Dave: im fucking famished over here

Dave: been trekking through the desert for weeks

Dave: feels like years

Dave: and finally i see it

Dave: it has to be a mirage its too good to be true

Dave: but no

Dave: right in front of me lies an oasis of bread and cheese

Dave: i dive into a pool of sauce only to find myself drawn in deeper into the depths of this pizza relm

Dave: it envelops me

Dave: i am become pizza

Dave: its me

Dave: sooner or later ill get topped-

Jade spits out her apple juice, laughing.

Dave: hey no I wasnt done

Karkat: OH MY GOD.

Dave: i meant like

Dave: with pepperoni or some shit

Dave: or god forbid pineapple

Jade attempts to calm her giggling long enough to form a sentence.

Jade: pineapple isnt really THAT bad

Karkat: PINEAPPLE ON PIZZA IS FUCKING HORRIFIC

Karkat: IT’S LITERALLY ACIDIC, I HAVE NO IDEA HOW PANSY ASS HUMANS EVEN CAME UP WITH IT.

Karkat: DO YOU FUCKERS HAVE A DEATH WISH?

Dave: okay listen

Dave: i swear to god i am all multicultural and whatnot

Dave: and i say this as sensitively as possible

Dave: you actually top your pizza with insects

Karkat: OKAY DAVE, WELL IN THAT CASE, SINCE YOU ARE BEING *SO SENSITIVE* TO OTHER PEOPLES BACKGROUNDS, WHY DON’T YOU ALLOW JADE HER PINEAPPLE?

Dave: …

Dave: see thats different

Karkat: HAH! I FUCKING CAUGHT YOU IN YOUR HYPOCRISY!

Dave: no its totally different

Dave: jade and i come from like

Dave: the same place

Jade: hehehe, okay no i have to side with karkat here

Jade: we were not raised the same culturally at ALL

Jade: honestly i have about as much in common with you as i do with karkat

Jade: also, i dont even like pineapple on pizza that much, im just not nearly as fucking whiney about it as you guys are

Karkat: I RESERVE MY RIGHT TO SAY THAT PUTTING ACIDIC FAUNA ON YOUR FOOD IS A DEATH WISH.

Jade: and i trust you with practice that right until you talk so much you pass out.

Karkat: JADE, YOU KNOW I WOULD GET DISTRACTED BEFORE THEN, DON’T MISREPRESENT ME.

Jade: hehehe, alright, thats fair

Karkat: THANK YOU.

Jade: :)

Jade comes back to the couch after her pizza is handled. She sits upright on the couch to the far left and tucks her legs under the blanket. Karkat scoots towards Jade to fill the gap. She smiles. There’s something you didn’t expect in her expression… More accurately, there isn’t something that you did expect. Pining. She doesn’t look longingly, she doesn’t stare into their eyes and hope for a time that will never happen, she just… is enjoying herself. Maybe she just isn’t right now, or maybe she’s good at hiding it, but you worry… maybe you projected desperation onto her? Maybe she’s doing just fine… and it’s YOU who has a hole in their soul…

You think you need to switch to another subject.

You type in some commands, fiddling with syntax until your screen changes perspectives. Before you appears the image of a familiar living room. The one you appeared in six months ago. In it John and Roxy seems to be cuddling on the couch. John doesn’t look very used to this. Callie is scrubbing some dishes when Roxy beckons them over and they blush, sitting next to roxy and holding their hands. It looks like some sitcom is on the television. Eight trolls with complicated quadrant situations trying to live in an apartment in the middle of the Human Kingdom city. Truly this premise has a high potential for shenanigans.

Soon, Callie starts picking up their things. Roxy kisses them on the cheek, and they head out the door. Oh shoot, you wish you payed more attention to what they were saying… It seems like they are shifting well into dating life! Good for them you think. Unfortunately, this scene is pretty boring. if you wanted to watch this show you could probably just get a TV instead of spying on people watching it. Surely switching perspectives back to Dave, Jade, and Karkat couldn’t hurt?

Hm. It looks like the movie they were watching ended. Karkat and Jade sit on the couch, both of them leaning against the arms of said couch. From the lack of Dave and the sound of running water, you assume Dave is taking a shower.

Karkat: YOU KNOW WHAT JADE… I THINK…

Karkat: MAYBE I WAS OVER REACTING?

Karkat: IN HINDSIGHT THAT MOVIE WAS OKAY.

Jade: really? that didnt take long. give me your expert movie analysis

Karkat: OKAY FIRST OFF YOU DON’T NEED TO BE CONDESCENDING.

Jade: i wasnt!

Karkat: OH, OKAY. SORRY.

Karkat: SECCOND, I THINK THE SIMPLICITY WORKS IN FAVOR OF THE FILMS THEMES.

Jade: oh really? and how is that

Karkat: ARE YOU SURE YOU ARENT BEING CONDESCENDING? IT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE MAYBE YOU ARE BEING A LITTLE FUCKING CONDESCENDING.

Jade: im just messing with you karkat :P go on

Karkat: NO, NO IF YOU THINK IM BEING TOO BORING BY ALL MEANS FUCKING TELL ME SO!!

Jade: karkat! tell me about this movies fucking themes!!

Karkat: FINE.

Karkat: AS I WAS SAYING, THE LACK OF A COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE TWO PROTAGONISTS LENDS ITSELF WELL TO EXPLORING THE DETAILS OF THEIR LIVES.

Karkat: IT’S NOT A QUESTION OF *IF* THEY ARE COMPATABLE AND LOVE EACHOTHER, IT’S A QUESTION OF IF IT’S A GOOD IDEA TO PERSUE IT AT ALL.

Karkat: I’M NOT SURE IF I AGREE WITH IT’S CONCLUSION STILL, BUT MY EARLIER COMPLAINT ABOUT IT BEING SIMPLE ISN’T EXACTLY FAIR.

Karkat: IF IT WAS ANY MORE COMPLICATED IT PROBABLY WOULD HAVE TAKEN MORE AWAY FROM THE MOVIE THEN IT WOULD HAVE ADDED. 

Jade: i agree!!

Jade: not everything has to be 14 layers of quadrants deep, sometimes characters just love each other, and that’s nice!

Karkat: YEAH…

Karkat looks at Jade. Jade looks at Karkat. The two of them are acting like they are having a secret conversation in their brains. Little do they know the conversations they are having are very different.

Jade yawns.

Jade: i think im gonna go for a walk

Karkat: WHAT? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

Jade: none of your business!!

Karkat: FUCK, ALRIGHT. ARE YOU GOING TO BE BACK?

Jade: maybe later. theres a joint i like to go to that is having an open mic night and i want to see whos preforming.

Karkat: I THOUGHT IT WAS NONE OF MY BUSINESS?

Jade: it isnt! im just nice like that!

She picks up her jacket and walks toward the door. She looks at Karkat, and sees him glance towards the bathroom where his best friend is currently taking a shower. Something about the look makes Karkat sweat. He attempts to distract himself with his palmhusk. It seems like maybe they had a conversation that you were not privy to. One that changed something.

Jade is holding the door open, one foot outside. She looks over her shoulder at Karkat, on the couch, futzing with his palmhusk. His brows are furrowed, focusing on whatever social media is annoying him at the moment, until he notices Jades soft expression pointed towards him. His eyes get wider, and he looks behind him to see if this heartfelt expression is really meant for him. He looks around as if to say, “who, me?” Jade smiles.

Jade: you should tell him

OOOOOOOOOH SHIT IT’S HAPPENING!!!! Jade closes the door and Karkat sits there, eyes wide, looking like he is trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube in his head. This is it. This is the moment. You have seen it countless times, in countless lifetimes, in countless timelines. No matter how many times you see it, you never get tired of it.

After a few minutes, Dave comes out of the bathroom, hair slightly damp. Karkat gazes Strider-ward. It is unmistakable. This is the moment where Dave and Karkat realize that their feelings have culminated into something that they can no longer run away from. You don’t care if this is the fourth time this moment has been depicted, you don’t care if it’s the hundredth. You are so fucking ready for this.

You hear a knock on your front door. Oh, fuck no not now, they are so close. You are sure that in a few moments they are going to confess their undying love for each other. Any minute now.

Karkat: HEeY DAVE-

Karkats voice cracks. He coughs.

Dave: dude you good

Dave: sounds like one of those fuckers from alvin and the chipmunks just jumped down your throat

Dave: actually that reference sucked give me another shot

Dave: dude you good

Dave: you sound like past karkat came back for revenge

Dave: hm

Dave: maybe the alvin and the chipmunks reference could work

Dave: need to workshop it though

Oh god dammit who are you kidding. This shit could last all night, and this fucker just keeps on knocking over and over. They are incredibly stubborn. Can’t they tell you are trying to spy on celebrities over here? Jesus Christ.

Karkat yells at Dave, then laughs, then Dave sits next to him on the couch. This position is incredibly familiar, but Dave can sense something is going through Karkat’s head. If Dave’s being honest with himself, which happens rarely, something has been going though his head as well. It isn’t easy breaking out of heteronormativity, but through their care for each other it becomes clear that there is something more important than that now. Now that they think of it, it’s hard to think of anything less important. They are closer than usual, and after a few minutes of silence, it’s broken by KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.

FUCK. Fine, fine, you will open the door. You turn away from the monitor. You will get back to this as soon as possible. If you can just shoo away this guest as soon as possible, then hopefully you won’t miss anything important. You open the door.

Calliope: hello there neighboUr!

Oh! Hello Callie, you say. It’s nice to see you! What brings them to your apartment?

Calliope: not a whole lot, i just thoUght, since it has been a while since yoU have stopped by, i woUld say hello and offer yoU a hoUse warming gift!

Well that is quite nice of them! As they can see, your house is quite barren when it comes to furniture of any sort.

Calliope: yes, qUite! althoUgh… is that a command terminal? how on earth c did you get yoUr hands on that?

You suddenly remember the command terminal. Fuck, you can’t let them see that you were spying on their friends. You quickly tap any button you can find, and it switches to a different perspective.

Calliope: oh, is that rose and kanaya’s home?

Fuck. You’ve been caught red handed. You tell them, yes, this is your mutual neighbors towerhouse.

Calliope: oh, how fascinating! it seems like yoU have happened Upon a command terminal!

That you have. You tell them that you have been hard at work repairing it for the past six months. Callie walks up to the terminal and examines it.

Calliope: well, one thing is for sUre, yoU have done an amazing job!

You thank them.

Calliope: i am very cUrioUs to test it… perhaps i coUld give rose a call and ask if… this would be a bad time?

You’re in luck! It seems like Callie has as much of a morbid wish to spy on your peer’s activities as you do! They pull their phone out of a jacket pocket and begin calling.

Calliope: hello rose!

Calliope: yes, i am doing qUite well, how aboUt yoUrself?

Calliope: that’s splendid! i have an… odd qUestion.

Calliope: no, not at all!

Calliope: mhm

Calliope: hehehe, yes indeed 0u0

Calliope: of coUrse, sorry!

Calliope: if yoU don’t mind my asking… are yoU in any way doing something… embarrassing at the moment?

Calliope: oh no, it’s just…

Calliope: Um.

Calliope: i may be in a sitUation where

Calliope: a sudden intrUsion may be necessary?

Calliope: no no, im not in any danger at all! im afraid… I can’t really tell yoU the natUre of this… issUe?

Calliope: oh no, of course, i Understand.

Calliope: best case scenario it won’t be a problem at all!

Calliope: yes, I’ll call yoU if it is not necessary. i woUld hate for yoU two to be waiting for me!

Calliope: … thank yoU! goodbye!

Callie hangs up the phone.

Calliope: whew! well, that coUld have gone worse!

Could it? Callie assures you that yes, it could. You allow them access to the controls. They zoom in to Kanaya and Roses living room, where Kanaya is measuring Roses waist.

Kanaya: So What Was That About

Rose: Oh, Callie just called to inform us to be ready for a potential visit that may or may not happen and may or may not be an emergency that they cannot tell us about.

Kanaya: Wow

Kanaya: That Sounds

Kanaya: Incredibly Suspicious

Kanaya: Doesnt It

Kanaya: I Wonder If They Are In Need Of Help

Rose: Perhaps.

Rose: More likely is that we are merely going to be spied on, and they were merely making sure neither of us was in a compromising position before doing so.

Kanaya: Why Would They Be Careful About Our Privacy If Their Intention Is To Spy On Us

Rose: They are just polite like that, I think.

Kanaya chuckles. You and Callie look at each other and exchange expressions that seem to say, “welp, fuck”.

Kanaya: They Are

Kanaya: I Think If They Were To Spy On Someone That Is Probably How They Would Go About It

Rose: Our speculation about our mutual friend’s voyeuristic tendencies are probably unnecessary.

Kanaya: Fair

Kanaya: What Were You Saying Before You Were Interrupted By The Call

Rose: I believe we were about to exchange embarrassing stories about our childhoods. Perfect for blackmailing purposes if they fell into the wrong hands.

Kanaya: Hm

Kanaya: Perhaps Then We Should Shy Away From The Subject

Rose: I’m fucking with you, Kanaya. I’m sure it will be fine.

Kanaya: Alright Well If You Are So Confident Then Why Dont You Go First

Rose: Fair enough.

Rose: To answer your previous question, yes, I did have a crush before the game. Although I treated the whole situation with very little grace.

Kanaya: I Think My Romantic Situation Was Very Much The Same At The Time Actually

Rose: Really?

Kanaya: Yes Well

You begin to feel kind of shitty. You look towards Callie and gesture towards the screen. Should you… stop? This feels kind of messed up all the sudden.

Calliope: hmm… perhaps we shoUld switch oUr view, this seems like qUite an intimate moment. i’ll send the two of them a message that they need not be ready for me… not to mention an apology for the bother…

You agree. You cancel the last command you input, bringing you to a blank screen.

Calliope: it’s still quite exciting that you have this! how did you get your hands on it?

You plundered it from a dig sight!

Calliope: how intrigUing! coUld we maybe see another scene?

You tap into a scene at random. It looks to be Jakes mansion, decked out with robot corpses mounted on the walls. This man sure does like to keep a lot of random shit in his house. So much so it seems to be consistent across all timelines. The house is huge, but the only occupied room seems to be a small side room meant to be used for various creative projects. In this room Jake and Dirk are on opposite sides, doing… something? Jake seems to be reading a script, he’s dressed like he’s planning on going out, or has already gone out and has just neglected to take off the dark green suit or white bowtie. Meanwhile, Dirk is not dressed for the same occasion, he looks like he’s in work clothes, shorts and a tank top. The evidence of some sort of engineering work can be found, but it has since been abandoned in favor of laying down on an antique couch and texting.

Now… you are kind of nervous giving narrative attention to Dirk… but it couldn’t hurt to perhaps… peek at his texts? You’re sure this won’t have any consequences.

GG: I assure you; it isn’t anything to be worried about!

TT: Jane, if I were to believe you actually think that is true, then why are you texting me about my isolation issues?

TT: I appreciate the concern Jane, I really do, but I’m in no worse condition than you, I promise.

GG: If that’s the case…

GG: Well then, why don’t we help each other? Will you at least heed my advice if I allow you to give me some? Although I am really quite sure I am alright. :B

TT: Actually, that sounds alright.

TT: Hit me with your wisdom Jane. Or would you prefer I go first?

GG: I would not prefer that at all if I’m to be matter-of-fact!

TT: Alright then. I’ll take a brief break from advising you in favor of being advised.

GG: You don’t advise me all that much. :P

GG: At least, you don’t advise me any more than is usual for a good friend!

TT: So, what portion of my life needs your delicate fixing, doc?

TT: Will it be my love life? The quality of my TV show?

GG: If I’m being honest, I don’t think I’m equipped to help with either of those…

GG: Your love life isn’t exactly… what I’m used to?

GG: If I were you, I would seek Roxy’s help with that. She seems to know exactly what she’s doing.

GG: Plus, she’s from the future! She knows all the future lingo for your… future relationships!

GG: Sometimes I feel like she’s speaking another language… Demisexual, Panromantic, Queerplatonic, Polycule… It all might as well be science fiction to me!

TT: Right. You know, most if not all of those words existed during your time.

GG: Strider, I was told what “Lesbian” meant when I was 15. Until then I thought it was a woman with big muscles!

TT: I mean it can be.

GG: I’m serious Dirk, it was embarrassing!

TT: Well I think it wouldn’t hurt to maybe look into the terminology. You’re smart Jane, I think it would mean a lot to Roxy and Callie if you put more effort into understanding.

GG: I know, I just…

GG: Hey!! You said I’m going first!!

TT: Right, sorry, take back everything I said.

GG: Good! Now, I’m worried about you Dirk… It seems like the only person you have been around for months is Jake, and… Well, I’m not sure about the specifics of how you two operate, but I know there are a lot of emotions there… And I guess I’m just worried you might not be giving yourself the care you need?

TT: I am operating just fine, but thank you for asking.

TT: Things between Jake and I are strictly professional.

GG: Right…

TT: What’s that supposed to mean?

GG: :| No comment.

GG: I think you need to get out and see your friends more is all…

TT: Are you asking to hang out?

GG: No, but if you would like to, I would love to have you over.

GG: Actually, It might be nicer to talk in person!

TT: That’s not a bad idea. I’ll head over in a few.

GG: Alright, tell Jake I said hello.

TT: Will do.

Your reading gets interrupted by Callie.

Calliope: hmm yes very interesting. yoU didn’t happen to be reading their conversation, were yoU?

Certainly not. Were they?

Calliope: me neither!

Good!

Calliope: good!

…

Calliope: …

Anyway, you said you have a house warming gift? Not that you are rushing them, you are just incredibly thirsty for something to have in your house.

Calliope: oh yes! I brought you a small plant!

It’s a cactus!

Calliope: indeed, it is! taking care of something can feel nice, and lUckily this particUlar cactUs is not very high maintenance.

That’s good, historically you have about a 50/50 chance of fucking shit up irreparably whenever you make a decision.

Callie sets your new cactus next to a window. She sighs.

Calliope: apologies about earlier.

Calliope: two seconds earlier i mean… i slipped into a bit of a bad habit I sUppose, haha.

A bad habit? Do they mean the thing with the command terminal?

Calliope: you see… I used to be very alone…

Relatable.

Calliope: and when i found out aboUt the people who played sbUrb before me… i acted more like a fan of them… even the ones i knew personally and considered my friends…

Calliope: i think i always felt like there woUld be something separating me from them… and i think that may be becaUse I only ever read aboUt them or saw them throUgh screens. i processed them more like characters than i did as people.

Callie looks wistfully out the window in the direction of their shared home with Roxy and John.

Calliope: bUt i dont have to do that anymore. and… well…

Calliope: when i found out yoU read about oUr adventures in the form of a comic… i related to that a lot I suppose?

Calliope: and i wanted to tell yoU that even if it is strange to get Used to, yoU don’t have to consider yoUrself an oUtsider anymore.

You take a moment to ponder what Callie said. You thank them.

Calliope: of coUrse! thank you for letting me get that off my chest, hehe.

Calliope: now, i really mUst get back to my home, my partner and john are recording one of my favorite shows for me! toodles!

And with that, they head out the door.

You stand in the silence for a moment. It’s midnight. Despite what Callie said, your curiosity gets the best of you. You type a command into the terminal.

Jade walks into Dave and Karkat’s house. She comes home to see Dave in tears, and Karkat on the verge of them. She is almost worried until she sees them smile and hears Dave’s laugh. She smiles. They did it. They made it happen.

Seems like this time you didn’t get to see Dave and Karkat finally admit their feelings for each other. You don’t think you care all that much honestly. At least you exist in a timeline where they did at all.

Jade cries. Not because there is a bitterness in her heart over this, no. They are tears of joy, and tears of seeing two people you love finally grasp their love for each other. They are tears of compersion. She walks up to the couch and hugs them. Dave and Karkat hold each other’s hands. The two of them proceed to tell her all about how it went down. You don’t think you need to see any more for now.

In fact, you think you might just go to bed. And you do.

While you are in this slumber, the story will take a moment outside your perspective for the first time. There are stories worth telling that are happening outside of your vision and influence. So, the story must zoom out, and zero in on a different house in the carapace kingdom. Don’t worry, the story won’t be far.

Across a series of parks and streets, lie two towers. Both of them are dark and quiet, but amongst the two of them, only two individuals remain awake at this hour.

Roxy and Calliope are in bed. Calliope has fallen asleep, but Roxy has not. They are worried about someone they love. Their love said that they would be to bed sooner than later, but a few hours have passed and they begin to worry. Roxy stands at their bedroom door. Across a hallway, John is sitting on their living room couch, elbows resting on his knees, face resting in his hands. Roxy approaches.

Roxy: hey um

Roxy: babe?

John leans back in the couch. His voice is horse.

John: hey.

Roxy: r u okay?

John: i’m fine.

Roxy: that sounds like the biggest fattest lie that ever sat around and tried to pass off as true

Roxy sits next to their partner. They see no evidence of tears other than Johns voice and his shakey exhales.

Roxy: john… whats goin on?

Roxy: you can tell me…

John: roxy… how did you know?

Roxy: hm?

John: how did you know you… weren’t what you thought you were…

Roxy: john i rlly dont know what ur talkin about

John: i’m talking about like… you know… gender, i guess?

Roxy: o

Roxy: well it took one hell of a lot of introspection selfways ill tell you that

Roxy: talkin w/ callie helped me rlly cement it in my brain how i feel abt it but first I had to figure it out for myself

Roxy: to b more direct w/ answerin u ummmm

Roxy: i guess i found out when i realized how performative a lot of my shit was

Roxy: obv not all of my personality lmao

Roxy: like im still kind of a feminine person when it comes to colors i like and other shit but like

Roxy: other stuff

Roxy: sorry im not bein very direct lmao

John: it’s fine…

Roxy: john… are you…?

John: no!

John: well

John: i don’t know?

John: i think i’m too much of a fucking chump to really figure out anything about myself…

Roxy: well that’s alright… you don’t have to have all the answers all the time

John: but that’s stupid! everyone else does!!

Roxy: lmao that is way not tru

Roxy: not to bring your downer even lower but its p selfish of you to think that

Roxy: everybody has still got questions

Roxy: even the happily married lesbian couple next door

Roxy: nobody has got it all figured out

John: ugh, you’re right… i’m sorry…

Roxy: im not tryna shit on u im just sayin

Roxy: it really is okay to not really be sure what ur deal is sometimes?

Roxy: and tbh if u really think ur so bad at figuring stuff out using ur brain u can always just try shit out and see what sticks

Roxy: like i wasnt sure what pronouns i wanted to go by so i just went with they and its worked so far for me

Roxy: see lol even I don’t exactly know what my deal is im just doin my best here

John: yeah, you’re right…

John: thanks.

Roxy: ofc

Roxy: i fuckin love you

John: love you too…

John: hey, roxy?

Roxy: yeah babe?

John: god, sorry if his sounds silly or lame but um… can you like…

John: call me…

June: june?


	3. Junes Birthday

Your consciousness slowly beings to re-establish itself. Suddenly, you are experiencing once again. You are awake. The blackness of unconsciousness becomes the blackness of the back of your eyelids, and after enough convincing, you will yourself into opening your eyes. When you do so, you are hit with beams of light coming in from the windows of your apartment. You consider leaving the rest of the day in favor of more rest when you are once again met with a knock at your door.

You put on your hoodie. (You are calling it yours now.) You get up and rub the tiredness out of your eyes. You walk over to your door and open it.

June: hey reader! did I catch you at a bad time?

Oh, hello June! You tell her, no, it’s not a bad time. If you look a bit dazed, it’s because you just woke up, that’s all. You invite her to come in and ask her what’s up. She’s wearing a flowing blue dress. You have never seen her wear something like this, even though it has been quite some time since she came out… You compliment her on it. She seems to have grown out her hair in the last… how many months has it been? You don’t remember.

June: oh! thanks, haha. did you say you just woke up? dude, its like noon.

Oh huh. So it is.

June: anyway, nagging you about your sleep schedule isn’t at all why i came here. i actually don’t give a fuck about that at all, im just giving you a hard time.

June: the reason i came here is because it’s my birthday tomorrow, and i’m holding a party at my house across the street, and I wanted to invite you!

June: i would have just texted you but you’re so nearby there really wasn’t any point?

Oh shit, really? You’re being invited?

June: yeah of course, you’re one of my buds!

Huh. June smiles. Her smile has always been lovely, even before you knew her as such, but something about this is different. There’s something that feels… Nervous, possibly more nervous than she has ever been in her entire life, but at the same time… True. Maybe truer than any smile you have seen up until this point, if that means anything.

You tell her you would love to come. She expresses her joy to hear that and gives you the time to show up. You reflect briefly. It’s her birthday… that means you have been here for almost a year… All this time… you never realized how much you wasted. You lost track of time entirely. You are quite surprised by what June said… She considers you her bud. Like. Your friend. You haven’t been so happy to make that revelation in quite some time. You imagined the gods among you to be celebrity like, almost definitely fictional. It’s quite surprising to find that they consider you a friend.

So, you go. You spend the day getting ready, getting a nice gift. You got something simple, some trick playing cards. You are certain she has had one of these before, but it’s been a while since you have seen her mess with one of these, so you got one for her. You hope that this comes off as nice and thoughtful and not totally outdated and uninteresting. You guess you will see! You aren’t sure what to get Jane… But also, you aren’t sure if she considers you a friend enough for it not to be weird to get her something? Out of politeness, you find a cheep detective story starring a trio of carapacians. It’s in the same vain as June’s present, being a callback to old interests.

When the time comes, you enter. It seems like you were the last to arrive! Every one of Junes friends are spread out, talking, and having the time of their lives. When you enter, they all greet you. You aren’t used to the attention. You smile and wave. Calliope comes to greet you directly.

Calliope: hello reader! i’m glad to see yoU coUld make it!

Calliope: oh, woah! what’s this? yoU have some gifts? let me add it to the pile for you, if that’s qUite alright?

Sure! They take your messily wrapped gifts from you. You ask what is on the itinerary for today.

Calliope: well, right now we are jUst mingling. i think dirk and jake had a movie for Us to watch, and then after that we are going to eat and Unwrap gifts!

You tell them that you are pretty hyped. They smile, and ask you to join them as they walk back into the group.

Junes living room is animated. Everyone is talking, and more than ever everyone is being themselves. On this special occasion, everyone has allowed themselves the freedom to dress and act in a way that is uniquely them. June is wearing a dress for the first time, with clips in her hair. Her partner is comfortable in modified Derse jammies made into a hoodie-skirt combo complete with a new, more masculine haircut. Callie is dressed up in an obnoxiously green suit. Dave and Karkat are both on the couch so close they are practically in each other’s arms, and Jade is right next to them, all three of them laughing and teasing each other joyfully. Sitting on the arm of the couch, same side Jade is on, Rose is having a lengthy discussion on old literature she barely read at Kanaya who is leaning against the wall engaging in sexually charged eye contact with her wife. Dirk and Jake are on the floor leaning against the front of the couch. Despite their lack of a relationship status, Jake has an arm around Dirks shoulder. Roxy and their partners stand behind the couch next to the kitchen, discussing what snacks to bring out, and when to bring about the cake. Even you dressed up for the occasion for once!

The only person who doesn’t seem to be letting themselves let lose is… Jane. She sits on a chair, separate from the couch everyone has gathered around. She’s engaging in a conversation with Dirk and Jake about what movies they all should watch, which Roxy, June, and Calliope occasionally chime in for, but she is still separate. She is being included in the conversation and all the festivities, but she feels closed off. Everyone is relaxed, sitting in comfortable positions or leaning on walls and furniture, whereas Jane is sitting politely in a chair, as if waiting to get called into the doctor’s office. Normally she would be right there on that couch, laughing and smiling with her friends. It’s her birthday for god’s sake, but everyone seems so… something. She can’t put a word to it. Are people allowed to just… BE like this? Should… SHE be letting herself be like this? It just seems so… unusual. So odd. So irregular. And if she were to use one of her classic Jane anachronisms to describe how she felt about all that was going on around her, she may even describe the whole event as… queer.

Dirk: Hey Jane, you good?

Jane: Hm?

Jane: Oh! Yeah, yeah, I’m good!

Dirk: Alright, just making sure. You were kind of zoning out there.

Jane: Oh, yeah, I’m alright. There’s just a lot going on right now…

Jake: There is?

Jane: Yes! Well I guess not a lot, but there’s a load of paperwork going around… what with the relocation of the Crockercorp Private Prison… A lot goes into moving a building a quarter of the size of the carapace kingdom!

Dirk: Oh yeah.

Dirk: Hm.

Jake: Now i dont mean to offend, but isnt it a little odd that you need to own your own prison? By jove, what even is IN there?

Jane: Jake, you know why.

Dirk: Plus, there’s only one guy in there. There isn’t really a huge moral issue there.

Jane: Thank you Dirk. :B

Jake: You are absolutely right, apologies for the accusation! I am not quite keeping my ear to the ground these days when it comes to the inner machinations of our various enterprises. Its hard enough as it is to keep a handle on my own!

Dirk: Speaking of your enterprises, I think it’s about god damn time we unveiled our latest project. Shall we?

Jake: Indubitably, my good man!

June: grooooooooan.

Roxy: cmon babe give it a chance!

Calliope: yes jUne, as one of the few who has had some insider knowledge on this project, i am actUally qUite fond of this one! i can’t say much withoUt getting into…

Roxy: casual spoilers? lmao

Calliope: heehee ^u^

Dirk: Thank you, Callie. It’s finally time. Announcer voice, Jake.

Jake: Rumble in da pumpkin patch, da movie!!

Kanaya: Isnt That His Regular Voice

Rose: Yes, I believe it is.

Dirk: But did you hear how excited he was about it?

Kanaya: Yes

Dirk: That’s the kind of shit that gets asses in seats. We’ve got all kinds of ad campaigns planned.

Dirk: I was inspired to infuse this film with an eclectic set of genres, so there are a lot of angles to tackle this thing from. How do you get across a romantic comedy through wrestling? You are about to fucking find out.

Karkat: BOOOOOOO!!

Dirk: What.

Dave: hahaha cmon give him a break

Karkat: NO, I WILL NOT GIVE HIM A BREAK! I WILL NOT STAND IDLY BYE WHILE SOME DOUCHE IN SHADES MAKES A MOCKERY OF THE THINGS I AM PASSIONATE ABOUT!!

Dave: …

Karkat: A *DIFFERENT* DOUCHE IN SHADES. YOU KNEW WHAT I MEANT JACKASS!

Dave: im joshing you babe

Karkat: YOU’RE DOING WHAT TO ME!?

Dave: oh my god nevermind

Karkat: I WILL COME BACK TO YOU ABOUT THAT. I CAN’T SPEND ALL MY ENERGY DISECTING EVERY INCH OF NEW HUMAN VERNACULAR THERE IS APPERENTLY AN ENDLESS SUPLY OF. THERE ARE MORE PRESSING ISSUES AT HAND!

Dirk: Karkat, I totally see where you are coming from, but you really don’t have to worry.

Dirk: It’s really more of a light ironic celebration then a mocking. You see, it taking itself seriously is what makes it funny. Simultaneously, it being so goddamn stupid is what makes it so heart wrenching when… well I won’t spoil it, but you get the picture.

Dirk: I’m making fucking art here, and I wouldn’t waste any more than 75% of the films time picking apart it’s genre/medium.

Kanaya: Or Any Less

Dirk: Exactly.

Calliope: dirk isn’t selling it very well… it really is qUite a fascinating film!

Karkat: HMF! I WILL BE THE JUDGE OF THAT!

Dirk: A good review from you is probably the highest praise I could ever receive.

Karkat: OKAY, THAT TIME YOU WERE MOCKING ME. I’M NOT A FUCKING MORON!

Jade: karkat, you love tearing movies apart!! this is a win-win!

Jade: you either get an enriching movie watching experience, or you get to give endless complaints about a thing!

Karkat: WELL, YEAH, BUT COMPLAINING LOUDLY ABOUT IT IS KIND OF PART OF THE EXPERIENCE.

Jade: alright

Jade: but im limiting you to only two rant breaks!!

Karkat: THAT SOUNDS REASONABLE. HOW LONG IS THE MOVIE?

Jake: An hour and a half.

Karkat: *WHAT*

Karkat utilizes those rant breaks, milking as many minutes out of them as he can. If Dirk is taking offense, he isn’t showing it. Despite loudly and extensively complaining during his two rant breaks, when the big twist of the movie comes, that the referee was the one who gave Jack British (portrayed by Jake English) the love notes at the beginning of the film all along, Karkat is completely floored. He is so enveloped in the world of this film you never would have thought he spent half an hour talking about how bad it was during the first 45 minutes.

During the movie’s intermission, Callie and Roxy bring dinner, as well as desert, to the group of partygoers. June is sitting on the floor, leaning against the right side of the couch. She doesn’t care for this movie much at all, but she is definitely enjoying the banter. When she sees the cake, June kisses her partner on the cheek and smiles. June is new to long term relationships, but by now she is getting the hang of PDA. Roxy and Callie, with a bit of help from one of Jane Crockers online recipes, prepared an ice cream cake. She spent her childhood very much over saturated with regular cake, so ice cream cake it is.

As everyone eats, the gang breaks out a game of Cards Against Earth C.

Karkat: ALRIGHT YOU SORRY SACKS OF GARBAGE, I NEED TO FUCKING READ THIS, SO CAN ALL OF YOU SLOSHED NOOKWIFFERS PIPE DOWN FOR A FUCKING SECOND?

Kanaya: Im Not Entirely Sure What You Mean By That

Karkat: JUST LET ME FUCKING READ GODDAMMIT!!

Karkat: AHEM.

Karkat: DON’T COME CLOSE. I WAS NEVER THE SAME AFTER BLANK.

Karkat puts the Black card down. The rest of the group mulls over their red cards. You don’t have any that particularly fit this prompt… Troll Michael Jordan, Spritecon, the secret fifth kingdom, the Douchebag Kingdom… none of these strikes you as being very funny. Seems like you are going to have to throw away another card…

Dave leans back to hide his cards from Karkat, who he is very close to, and normally could easily see his cards. He probably still could if he wanted to. Dave takes one last sip out of his drink.

Dave: hey do you want any soda

Karkat: JESUS, NO. LIKE I SAID, I’M NOT FUCKING DRINKING TONIGHT.

Dave: alright i know you have said that but like

Dave: literally fucking why

Dave: its so fucking weird

Dave: like you dont have to but its such an odd thing to refuse

Karkat: WHAT IS SO FUCKING WEIRD ABOUT IT?

Dave: you are acting like its poison

Dave: what is the deal with that

Karkat: IT FUCKING *IS* POISON YOU DUMBASS

Karkat: SORRY I DON’T WANT TO GET FUCKING DRUNK AT JUNES FUCKING BIRTHDAY!!

Karkat: SOMETHING THAT *APPARENTLY* NONE OF THE REST OF YOU HAVE AN ISSUE WITH!!

Dave: wait

Kanaya: Wait

Kanaya: What

Kanaya: Karkat

Karkat: WHAT!? WHY IS EVERYONE FUCKING LOOKING AT ME!?

Kanaya: Human Soda Isnt Alcoholic

Karkat: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN IT ISN'T ALCOHOLIC??? HOW COME YOU ALL ARE ACTING LIKE FUCKING LUNATICS???

Jade: karkat…. were having FUN… remember fun, karkat? you remember fun, dont you?

Karkats face turns a grayish red.

Karkat: I…

Kanaya: Karkat

Kanaya: I Thought We Already Discussed This

Rose: We definitely did. If memory serves it was only about year one on our trip on the meteor.

Karkat: NO, WE ABSOLUTELY DID NOT DISCUSS THAT.

Rose: Wait, was that with Karkat or Terezi?

Kanaya: Terezi Was Certainly There

Kanaya: But I Thought Karkat Was Also There

Dave: holy shit this is amazing

Karkat: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!

Jade: hehehehe

Kanaya: Oh Dear

Kanaya: I Think I Realized What The Issue Is

Kanaya: It Was One Of Your Morning Meetings

Kanaya: Remember That Rose

Rose: Oh yes, now I remember… but why wouldn’t Karkat be there?

Kanaya: Karkat Stopped Coming For About A Week After Our Dancestors Crashed The Party And Cronus-

Rose: Ooooooooooh okay, that explains it.

Dave: oh jesus i straight up forgot about that

Karkat: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? THOSE MEETINGS WERE USELESS TEAM BUILDING EXERCISES FOR *MONTHS* AND THE SECOND I FINALLY GET FED UP WITH EMBARRASSING MYSELF AROUND THE MOST EMBARRASSING SET OF INDIVIDUALS IN PARADOX SPACE, **THEN** YOU ALL DECIDE TO START HASHING OUT THE IMPORTANT DISCREPANCIES BETWEEN OUR SPECIES!?

Kanaya: This May Have Been One Of The Very Few Meetings That Were For Any Sort Of Learning Experience

Kanaya: Mostly It Was Just To Make Sure We Didnt Stop Communicating

Kanaya: To Keep Us Working As A Team

Kanaya: Id Say It Was Quite Effective.

Rose: Agreed.

Jane: Wow, you guys were a lot more organized then we were! We never would have thought of that…

Kanaya: Oh No We Werent

Kanaya: In The Original Timeline Apparently We Were All Quite Scattered

Kanaya: Vriska Didnt Want The Same Disunity To Befall Us So She Yelled At Us To Be More Of A Team Until

Kanaya: Was It Karkat

Kanaya: It May Have Actually Been Karkat Who Originally Suggested The Morning Meetings

Karkat: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO RECOLLECTION OF THIS.

Jade looks despondent. Karkat tunes out of the conversation and speaks under his breath to the girl to his immediate left.

Karkat: (hey harley, are you okay?)

Jade: hm? yeah, yeah of course im okay

Karkat: (don’t give me that shit jade. do you need to take a minute? maybe outside?)

Jade looks shocked. She nods her head and after a moment stands up.

Roxy: yo jade, where are u goin?

Jade: just gonna get some fresh air :)

Dave: you going too babe

Karkat: YEAH.

Dave: does that mean were done with the game?

Dirk: Yeah, I think so. We haven’t been able to focus on the last three rounds.

Jake: By golly, then what are we to do to spend our time on this joyous occasion?

Dirk: Sounds like we’re in need of some entertainment to consume.

Jake: Jumping Jehoshaphat, are you thinking what i’m thinking?

Dirk: I don’t know.

Dirk: But I know what I’m thinking.

Dirk: It’s time for a fucking encore.

June: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Dave: nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Rose: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…

Kanaya: Dear God

Roxy: noooooooooooooooooooooooooo :(

Jane: Please Dirk, it was an hour and a half! We really don’t have to watch it again!!

Calliope: oh bother…

Karkat: (quick, let’s get the fuck out of here.)

Jade and Karkat escape the loud protesting to the outdoor balcony. The two of them look over the Carapace Kingdom in twilight. The archaic architecture mixed with city lights makes for a uniquely beautiful scene that could not be found anywhere else. At least, nowhere else that the people of Earth C know about.

Jade steps ahead of Karkat and rests her arms against the railing and stares out past the cityscape.

Karkat: HEY, UM.

Karkat: ARE YOU OKAY?

Jade pulls her hair back behind her right ear.

Jade: yeah

Karkat: … OK.

Jade: everything is honestly really great karkat

Karkat: ALRIGHT. SO WHY DO YOU SOUND LIKE YOU ARE ON THE DEPRESSION PRECIPICE, INCHES AWAY FROM FALLING INTO THE ABYSS OF LOSING YOUR SHIT?

Jade: … i

Jade:

Jade: i dont know

Jade: everything is good right now, karkat

Jade: I don’t know why I feel like this…

Karkat: UM.

Karkat: OK SO, I APPRECIATE THAT FEELING. I REALLY DO.

Karkat: SOMETIMES IT FEELS LIKE IM THE ONLY GOD DAMN ONE ON EARTH C THAT DOESN’T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE DOING.

Karkat: AND IT FEELS LIKE IT’S MY FAULT, YOU KNOW?

Karkat: IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE A FUCKING PARADISE, WHO FUCKING GAVE *ME* THE RIGHT TO COMPLAIN?

Karkat: SO, I GET WHAT YOU ARE SAYING.

Karkat: THAT… FEELING OF CLUELESSNESS.

Karkat: BUT I THINK YOU ARE LYING TO ME.

Karkat: NO OFFENSE.

Jade chuckles and rolls her eyes. He’s telling the truth. She’s an analytical person. She taps into her emotions plenty, but when there is a problem to be solved, she processes the world in datapoints, and she doesn’t leave any stone unturned. The fact is that she experienced trauma. She can look at that fact, see how it affects her, and know what measures should be taken to make things easier. But when a piece of her issues falls through the cracks in her self-care, she doesn’t want to make it anyone’s problem. She doesn’t even want it to be her problem. Another fact that she can look at objectively is the fact that she is not very good at introspecting. This results in her not being truthful about how she feels about herself, her trauma, and her experiences. She knows this, but she perpetuates it. She keeps it hidden. She hates this about herself. She hates herself when she fails to compartmentalize.

Karkat: LOOK…

Karkat: SOMETHINGS BOTHERING YOU.

Karkat: IF YOU NEED TO TAKE A BREAK, HEAD TO MY PLACE, MAYBE JUST TAKE A BREATHER FROM THE FESTIVITIES… JUNE WOULD GET IT.

Karkat: SHE’S NICE LIKE THAT.

Jade:

Jade tries to say something. It doesn’t come out.

Karkat: JADE?

She tries again.

Jade: um

It comes out quiet. Is she about to cry? “God,” she thinks, “That is so stupid.”

Jade: i think

Her voice is shaky. Pull it together Harley. Why is she breaking down now? It was just a little mention of her time spent alone… She’s dealt with so much worse! Why now? She starts to get angry. Something about this, she doesn’t know what, makes her laugh. That makes her angry too. She smiles and looks back at Karkat. Her eyes are wet.

Jade: i think being alone is the last thing i need right now

Karkat: OH.

Karkat: YEAH, THAT’S FAIR, I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE ASSUEMD THAT WOULD BE A BAD THING. ACTUALLY, IT WAS PRETTY FUCKING STUPID OF ME TO OFFER.

Karkat: “HEY JADE, IT SEEMS LIKE YOU’RE HAVING A HARD TIME, WANT TO TAKE A BRIEF REPRIEVE FROM ALL THESE PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT YOU AND JUST STEW IN YOUR TRAUMA FOR A BIT?”

Karkat: GOD, WHAT A DICK MOVE.

Jade: karkat

Karkat: YOU WOULD THINK THAT I WOULD KNOW BETTER, HOW LONG HAVE WE BEEN FRIENDS? LIKE, HOLY SHIT, WHAT-

Jade: KARKAT!!

Karkat: |:B

Jade: shush

Jade hugs him. She holds on tight, and lets the tears go without a single sob. Her breakdowns are typically more explosive, but this time it all comes out silently. Karkat can tell. He hugs her back. His hugs are soft, warm, and inviting, much like his demeanor. At least, much like his demeanor when he isn’t constantly trying to paint himself as the biggest asshole in the room, which is all the time. Almost.

They allow themselves to exist in this moment for a while. Not that you would know. You are currently sitting in the Livingroom, waiting for the movie experience to begin. You won’t lie, you aren’t particularly excited to see this movie again. But, then again, you consider yourself blessed to be here at all. It all feels so… real. Like these are ACTUALLY your friends. And… you think they are? At least June and Calliope are. And maybe Roxy? And… Jade? She seemed to like you anyway. You have a very hard time gauging whether or not people actually like you without an omnipotent being controlling your brain to tell you whether or not ‘friend success has been achieved’. Oh, how you miss that little jingle of victory.

The movie starts out, and you are pleasantly met with a completely different movie. It’s kind of like Jackass, in the fact that it is just Dirk and Jake fucking around and doing stupid shit. Some of it is Rumble in da Pumpkin Patch outtakes but the majority of it is just dumb shit that they did, some of which includes the other people in this room. There is one clip of Dirk skateboarding off of the roof of Davekat’s house. No one other than Dirk and Jake are there. You have no idea if they got permission to do that. Dirk falls on his ass. Another clip is of Jake responding to Dirks fanmail and Dirk responding to Jakes fanmail, both pretending to be each other. Dirk writes an overly verbose and well-mannered message and then tells the fan that he is typing the message with his ass, and Jake just tries to make Dirk sound like a dumbass.

The lights are low and everyone is piled onto/next to the couch. Drunk on the late night, everyone is laughing and leaning on each other. You get the impression that this is the closest these people have been in a long while. Physically anyway. Despite this, they seem comfortable. You are chilling next to Callie, soaking in the experience and chuckling to each other about their friend’s quirks. Personality, not typing.

Dave, Jade, and Karkat are all tangled in each other’s limbs. It’s honestly hard to tell who’s in the middle. Dave and Karkat hold hands, keeping a steady grip most of the night. Jade leans over Karkat, across his stomach, her head ending up close to Dave’s shoulder. She asked of course. She was tired, but there wasn’t much room on the couch. They said it was fine, although Dave knows his boyfriend is just a very comfy person to lay on. Dave’s arm reaches around, being a headrest for the two individuals to his left. They smile and laugh. They are more laughing at each other’s commentary more than the movie, but everyone is having a good time. Jade hears the beat of Dave’s heart, Dave feels the soft but occasional tightening of Karkats hand on his, and Karkat looks down occasionally into Jades eyes, seeing the sparkles that feel out of place in reality. Dave is self-aware about what this looks like, but he is having a really hard time caring. He’s just living in the moment.

Most people are spending the night. They didn’t expect the movie viewing to go so late, but luckily Roxy and Callie come prepared. However, Dave and Karkat want to head home. Karkat has been around people longer than he is used to, and needs some time to defrag with fewer people around. The two of them offer for Jade to come along. She considers staying behind. It’s been a while since she has spent the night at Roxy and Callies house, and even longer since she has slept over with her sister. She decides to make a plan to spend the night at a later date, and follows the two boys home. You? You’re already asleep, passed out on a blanket on the floor by the couch.

The three of them take the stairs down, shushed voices echoing throughout the tower as they leave. They live a kingdom away, so flying would be much faster, but they decide to walk to the edge of town before taking off. There is something nice about walking through a city in the dead of night. On Earth it would have come with some danger but luckily for the three of them the streets haven’t known any sort of crime in many, many years. The only thing they need focus on is the sound of each other’s voices.

Dave: dude i really do think that was our hive

Karkat: THERE IS NO WAY, I HAVE NO RECOLLECTION OF THAT MUCH NOISE, AND WE LITERALLY NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE!!

Jade: but my plants were there and everything! i know my plants, the one that was in frame is named perry, i know for an absolute certainty that is the same hive!!

Karkat: I JUST… DON’T GET IT? WERE THE NOISES EDITED IN IN POST?

Dave: its possible

Karkat: BUT THEN HOW THE HELL DID THEY DO IT SO SILENTLY? DIRK ISN’T USING HIS HOVERBOARD!! HE GENUINELY SKATEBOARDED DOWN OUR ROOF!! UNLESS THE WHOLE THING WAS GREEN SCREEN OR HOLOGRAMS OR *SOMETHING*. IT ABSOLUTELY MUST BE FAKE!!

Dave: probably but like

Dave: he completely ate shit

Dave: he doesnt make himself comic relief on purpose if it was fake he would have made himself do a sick flip and stick the landing

Jade: i dont know, maybe hes learned to chill out about stuff a little

Dave: hm

Dave: doubt

Dave: not impossible tho

Dave: he did take a jetski off of niagara falls though

Dave: and we never questioned the reality of that

Dave: why the fuck would he actually do that and then doctor something as small as skateboarding on a roof

Dave: and you cannot convince me the waterfall one is fake because i was there for that one

Jade: mmmm are you guys hungry?

Dave: hungry for ass

Karkat: HAHAHA, DUDE, SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Karkat: THAT DIDN’T EVEN MEAN ANYTHING.

Dave: yeah you got me I just wanted to say the word ass

Jade: let the man say ass!!

Dave: yeah dude what the hell

Dave: sometimes a dudes just gotta say words that make said dude smile for no real reason

Karkat: WORDS MEAN THINGS! YOU CAN’T JUST SAY RANDOM SETS OF WORDS BECAUSE THEY TRIGGER YOUR FUCKING ASMR TINGLES OR WHATEVER.

Jade: fuck that!! puppies green flowers titties!!

Dave: one of those things are not like the others

Dave: here are some of mine

Dave: karkat vantas

Dave: jade harley

Karkat: YOU WILL ABSOLUTELY NOT DISTRACT ME WITH CUTE HORSESHIT!!

Karkat: IF YOU ARE TRYING TO WOO ME YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO TRY A LOT FUCKING HARDER THAN THAT.

Dave: i mean i wasnt but fair

Dave: just wait ill lay down the smoothness bomb like a fucking date ninja

Dave: you wont even know what hit you

Dave: ill be like cupid

Dave: but instead of a wimpy ass bow and arrow it will be a goddamn nuclear warhead of hugs and fucking kisses

Dave: your heart will have to mark that day as a day of remembrance for all the lives lost to the strider love nuke

Dave: the surrounding countries will never be habitable again

Jade: ill help you engineer it!

Dave: thank you harley

Jade: so i can sabotage it!!

Dave: what the fuck that is so incredibly uncool

Jade: think of the environment dave!! the local ecosystems in karkats heart must be protected!

Karkat: WHAT THE ABSOLUTE SHIT ARE YOU TWO EVEN TALKING ABOUT!?

Jade: i believe we are currently debating the ethics of setting off a nuclear blast inside your heart

Karkat: … HELLO!?

Dave: in a symbolic sense

Dave: and also in a nonsexual way

Karkat: HOW THE FUCK COULD THAT BE TAKEN IN A SEXUAL WAY?

Dave: idk i just got vibes

Dave: wanted to cover my bases

Karkat: YOU BETTER COVER ALL YOUR BASES.

Karkat: OR ELSE ILL INFULTRATE THEM AND FUCK UP YOUR ENTIRE OPERATION.

Karkat: SEE? YOU ARENT THE ONLY ONES WHO CAN GO ON MEANINGLESS TANGENT THAT ARE ONLY LOSELY BASED ON THE THINGS WE ARE ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT.

Karkat: HOLY SHIT WAIT… WHAT THE FUCK WERE WE TALKING ABOUT?

Jade: :0 im not sure!

Karkat: WE STARTED BY DISCUSSING DIRKS TROLL JACKASS RIPOFF… AND THEN…..

Karkat: HOW DID WE GET TO FLIRTING?

Jade: do you/we need any segue to move into flirting?

Dave: you/we?

Jade: because being flirtatious is a trait i share with you but we are specifically talking about you two in this context :p

Dave: aight fair

The three of them eventually arrive back at Dave and Karkats house. They enter the dark home and turn on the lights, revealing the light charming clutter of personal items scattered around the house. It makes the place feel lived in.

Dave instinctively turns the TV on. They aren’t planning on watching anything, but having the background noise is nice for them. By now it is far past midnight, but it appears as though none of them are planning on going to sleep, because all three of them sit themselves down on their couch in front of the television. Karkat brings the ottoman out and the three of them lean back in the couch like they have already silently decided that they aren’t planning on leaving.

The three young adults laugh and smile. They are closer than they ever have been before. Not literally, they have been forced onto a couch too small for the three of them before and being uncomfortably close was definitely not an alien concept, particularly in the earlier years of their friendship on Earth C. No, they have never been closer emotionally. They see each other in a way that they never had until now. REALLY see each other. And it certainly is not uncomfortable for any of them. There is a little bit of hesitation present, especially in Jade, but for the most part they are too tired to care about anything other than being themselves.

Jade, Dave, and Karkat, all bring themselves closer to one another as they absentmindedly drone on about nothing in particular. Their legs entangle as they drift off into sleep. There is a silent moment. In the space of that silent moment, Jade speaks.

Jade: do you mind?

They shake their heads. Jade reaches her hand over and embraces the two of them. Dave finds himself naturally sinking into Karkat’s chest, Jade’s sinking into him. His hand is in Karkat’s fuzzy hair. He can smell Jade’s newly washed hair. It’s weird, but he likes it. There’s something so symbolically satisfying about, after a life of cold and “tough love” being surrounded so literally by the people he loves.

He felt this before. When they got done with the game and all of them watched the creation of the genesis frog before entering Earth C, he felt a lot like how he does now.

Karkat hums in his sleep. Ever since Sgrub ended, Karkat has made an accidental habit of being the first to fall asleep. This hum reverberates through the couch softly and luls the humans to sleep. Dave looks at his sleeping boyfriends face. He never thought he would get to call him that. After taking in the beauty of the scene, he looks over to Jade. He thinks she fell asleep, but suddenly her eyes open. Suddenly, but slowly. The two of them make eye contact. He gets the feeling she may have been asleep for a moment. She smiles at him and drifts back. Dave is always the last to fall asleep. Always.

He lays there, Jade and Karkat in his arms, and he in theirs. His nerves begin to accelerate, an anxiety suddenly coming over him. He breaths. He started practicing breathing exercises on the meteor at Karkats request. They don’t always work.

Dave breaths in. The rise and fall of Jade and Karkat’s chests act like a metronome to which he times himself. He takes in the fact that he is safe. He sees Jade and it grounds him in the truth. He sees Karkat and it seals him there, and keeps him safe. Dave exhales.


	4. Epic Boner

Jade and Karkat sit silently as they chew their food. It’s early in the morning, and Dave is taking a shower. The two of them are tired. Very tired. It has been six months since Junes birthday, and Dave refuses to talk about what happened between the three of them. This, understandably, has Jade frustrated. Karkat is also frustrated. This is such a typical Dave move. Honestly, Karkat is more upset then Jade is. Karkat thought the two of them were done with this kind of bullshit! Karkat and Dave spent their four years of not talking about how they feel about each other, so Karkat doesn’t understand how they just fell back into the same damn pattern.

Jade: hey… karkat?

Karkat: YEAH?

Jade: … we should… talk to dave

Karkat: TODAY!?

Jade: yes today!! why not today!?

Jade: whats wrong with today? what could possibly make today a worse day than any other day?

Karkat: WELL… I MEAN…

Jade: listen… i was really glad when you told me you wanted the three of us to talk about what happened that night

Jade: but you wont even talk to ME about what happened that night!! youre the one who came to me about it, and i am so willing to organize this discussion, but you have been avoiding it just as much as dave has!!

Jade: for six whole months by the way!! i want it to really sink in how dumb of an amount of time that is!!

Karkat: PLEASE, SIX MONTHS IS NOTHING FOR DAVE AND I. YOU SEVERELY UNDERESTIMATE HOW FUCKING STUPID WE CAN BE.

Karkat: HONESTLY, IT’S INSULTING THAT YOU THINK HALF OF A MEASLY YEAR WOULD BE EVEN CLOSE TO TOO MUCH TIME FOR US TO AVOID GETTING ANYTHING IMPORTANT DONE.

Karkat: WE HAVE BEEN DATING FOR ALMOST A SWEEP AND IT HAS BEEN EXACTLY THIS DUMB FOR THE ENTIRETY OF OUR RELATIONSHIP.

Karkat: ONCE HE WALKED IN ON ME SHITTING AND HE WOULDN’T LOOK AT ME IN THE EYES FOR SIX WEEKS!!

Jade: god, okay, i get it, youre dumb!!

Karkat: THANK YOU.

Jade sighs. This is the kind of shit she has had to deal with for months now. She lets her head lay against their table before taking another breath and looking up at Karkat.

Jade: you know, if you really just want to move on… i can forget about it

Jade: like, it was definitely something that happened, but if its so hard to talk about then we can just not talk about it!

Karkat: NO.

Jade: okay, then lets just talk to dave about it!!

Karkat: NO!!!!

Jade: FUCK!!

Jade leans back in her chair and stares up at the ceiling, letting out a mighty “ugh” before she hears the water in their bathroom turn off.

Jade: then why wont YOU talk to me about it? why the vagueness?

Karkat: (shush, he might hear you!!)

Jade: oh my god

Karkat sits in silence, much to Jades chagrin, as Dave gets dressed and exits the bathroom. Dave meanders into the kitchen and grabs a piece of toast he left for himself.

Dave: hey babe

Dave leans over and kisses Karkat on the top of the head before putting his sunglasses on.

Dave: hello jade

Dave assumes a formal style of speaking and attempts a facial expression so neutral its very obvious he is quite disgruntled.

Jade: hello dave

Jade: :p

Dave: alright you two have fun, ive got some art to make

Dave: ill update yall when i finish

Karkat: ALRIGHT, GOOD LUCK GETTING YOUR INSPIRATION ON OR WHATEVER.

Dave: thanks

Dave: i think your words of encouragement are just enough to get me through a few hours of hard mspaint labor.

Dave heads quickly to the bedroom and shuts the door.

Karkat: WHAT? DON’T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT!

Jade: hes being weird!

Karkat: HE COULD HEAR YOU SHUT UP!!

Jade: youre the one whos yelling!!

Karkat: RIGHT, SORRY.

Jade: listen, i cant do this!!

Jade: either we do it or we dont

Jade: if not then i dont know how much longer i can wait on you! i have been really patient!!

Karkat: …

Jade: karkat, can you at least tell me why you are having such a hard time with this?

Karkat takes a deep breath and holds it. He decides that maybe, if he holds his breath until he can come up with something to say, his thinkpan will enter a survival state and come up with something to say as soon as possible.

Jade: …

Jade: … karkat :/

Jade: come on

Karkat gasps.

Karkat: SORRY UM… OKAY SO…

Karkat: LISTEN.

Karkat: THIS MAY SOUND STUPID, SO DON’T FUCKING TELL ME HOW STUPID IT SOUNDS!! I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD I DO *NOT* NEED TO GET SHIT ABOUT THIS!!!!

Karkat: I DON’T KNOW HOW TO… TALK TO HIM WHEN HE DOESN’T WANT TO TALK?

Karkat: OKAY, THAT’S NOT TRUE, I HAVE DEFINITELY GAINED THE SKILL OF BREAKING THROUGH THE YOKE FILLED COOL-GUY SHELL LIKE A HUNGRY CHEEPBEAST.

Karkat: IT’S MORE LIKE A MOTIVATION THING. I DON’T LIKE MAKING SHIT HARD FOR HIM.

Jade: …

Karkat: WHAT THE FUCK DID I SAY.

Jade: ok, you know what? youre right. I wont call it stupid

Jade: because you asked me sooooo nicely

Jade: but i would like to point something out to you

Karkat: OKAYYYY…

Jade: making shit hard for each other is practically all you ever do!!

Jade: because both of you are really weird fuckers who like to make shit difficult for yourselves!!

Jade: giving each other fake conversational hurtles to struggle through is like… your love language or something

Jade: so, i call bullshit! it isnt about making him make hard choices or have hard conversations

Karkat: …OKAY.

Jade: do you want to know what *i* think it actually is?

Karkat: APPARENTLY YOU KNOW MY THINKPAN BETTER THAN I DO SO GO THE FUCK AHEAD, I GUESS.

Jade: i think maybe you are worried about… where his feelings might lie about this

Karkat: KLSDJAFHG;LKDFSJG

Jade: no karkat, please listen to me

Jade: i think you don’t want to cause a schism in our dynamic...

Jade: its easier to just let it lie then risk… change

Jade: and you have yet to tell me what you really think so god knows where you stand here… but!!

Jade: one thing is the ineffable truth… a truth that not even i could ever dream of changing!!

Jade: and that is that dave loves you!

Jade: he loves you so goddamn much and no matter what changes, that will stay.

Karkat: …

Jade: its okay, you can cry if you need to

Karkat: FUCK YOU DUDE

Jade: :p

The two of them quietly laugh to one another.

Jade: and hey, i wont stop being your friend any time soon! no matter what :)

Karkat: ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, FUCK.

Karkat: THANK YOU.

Karkat looks behind him down the hallway towards the closed-door Dave is currently behind.

Karkat: OKAY.

Karkat: TODAY.

Karkat: TODAY WE’RE DOING IT. I’M READY.

Dave sits at his computer with his legs kicked up on his desk. He’s “drawing sbahj” which at the moment means staring at an empty Paint document while fucking with his phone. He needs advice. Creative advice, sure, why not. He takes his feet off the desk and leans over his keyboard as he sends his text.

turntechGodhead began pestering timaeusTestified

TG: hey you got a minute

TT: I can make a minute, what’s up?

TG: i need some advice

TT: What type of advice?

TG: creative advice i guess

TG: ive been staring at this blank page for what feels like half an hour

TG: somethings blocking all my creative juices and shit

TG: idk how to get back in the groove of things

TT: You’re an artist, this isn’t your first art block in your life. What do you usually do?

TG: i usually just do something the fuck else honestly

TT: So, why can’t you do that now? Did you finally get jumped by some dude with a gun, demanding that you draw him a Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff comic or else he’ll unload his weapon into your skull?

TG: if i say yes will you believe me

TT: Dave, we are tight as fuck, of course I would believe you.

TT: That is, if I didn’t already know you were lying.

TT: Sounds to me like you’re avoiding something.

TG: god dammit

TG: am i really that predictable

TG: am i the avoidant guy

TG: is being cagey and running from my problems like my epic quirky thing i do that everyone can easily identify like

TG: oh yeah thats dave his gimmick is not talking about his problems

TT: Well first off, you are actually not the only person in this group of friends who doesn’t talk about his problems. So, you can put that worry at ease.

TT: Second, I’m surprised you are asking this question now, because you are actually a lot better about talking about shit to people who aren’t me then you used to be.

TT: And character gimmicks rarely get developed out of said character, so that’s another insecurity you can write off.

TG: okay sick i guess

TG: then what the everliving fuck is different this time

TG: if ive gotten past this why is this different

TG: i should be taking my problems head on like a strong ass fucking mans man

TT: I should not be the one to point out toxic masculinity to you.

TG: i know it was a joke

TT: I know, I was also joking.

TG: alright alright fuck

TT: So, like, what do you actually want advice for?

TG: …

TT: Let’s take a look down the list of things I fucking school people in.

TT: It’s probably not combat.

TT: Maybe philosophy… but I doubt it. At least not so close to last time I info dumped on you.

TG: its about jade and karkat

TT: Ah, there we go.

TT: Wait, what’s up with Karkat?

TT: Trouble in paradise?

TG: not really

TG: unless you consider general dumbassary as trouble

TG: which i dont because the paradise is already an oasis of stupid shit happening constantly

TT: Then what’s the problem?

TT: Wait… Karkat and Jade…

TT: Did Karkat cheat on you?

TG: no god dammit put the fucking katana away jesus

TG: nobody cheated on anybody fuck

TT: Okay.

TG: im caught in a situation

TG: like ive got this great thing going right

TG: and its fucking wonderful

TG: like

TG: for the first time in my life i feel safe

TG: like consistently safe

TG: in at least one place in my life

TG: my relationship with karkat is like the only thing i dont feel like could explode at any moment yknow

TG: but now theres a surprise challenger coming from downtown and i dont know how any of that shit is going to shake out

TT: Challenger coming from downtown?

TG: yknow like wrestling

TT: Fuck dude, please learn anything about a single sport.

TT: I’m actually fucking begging you.

TT: You need a fucking sport-moron intervention.

TG: you and rose sitting on the couch as i get home all with serious expressions and shit

TT: Rose calmly tells you, “Dave, we need to talk.”

TT: Roxy’s there too.

TG: what why they dont know anything about sports either

TT: They know more than you do.

TG: bullshit

TT: Remember Esports?

TG: what the fuck is an esport

TT: Exactly.

TG: fuck

TT: Anyway, I digress.

TT: Let’s take a step back from your sport illiteracy for now.

TG: alright sick i think i can deal with one life upending real talk sesh today

TT: Alright.

TT: Taking a moment to acknowledge you just gave me textual consent to upend your life with this conversation. Just so it’s on the table.

TG: mhm

TG: go for it dude my brain is like fucking silly puddy waiting for you to get in their with your fingers and fuck all that shit up

TG: i wont even know my ass from tuesday when youre done

TT: Nah.

TG: ok

TT: It sounds to me like you are in the wake of some change in your life.

TT: or at least the potential for some.

TG: yeah i guess

TT: Now, listen.

TT: I have no fucking clue about any of this shit, honest to god.

TT: Everything I know about the subject is second hand information I have accrued from being around Roxy, and even that is very fucking limited.

TT: So, the idea of dating more than one person is kind of like. It isn’t even something I have the capacity to debate on.

TT: But the way you talk about this is the same way you used to talk about Karkat.

TG: … fuck

TG: well no but

TG: it is different

TT: Yeah, it is. Very different.

TT: I’m not saying that it’s a great idea and you should go jump into the arms of your bisexual dream life and nothing will go wrong forever.

TT: What I am saying is I don’t think you should fear talking about it.

TT: Especially now.

TT: Because Karkat is with you.

TT: You’ve got someone on your team with you.

TG: right

TT: Don’t let your voice go unheard.

TT: If it’s a bad plan then speak up man.

TT: I don’t know Jade very well, but I’ve gotten to know Karkat, and he won’t let you get stuck in a situation you aren’t okay with.

TT: If you want to know what the right answer is, or how to even have that kind of fucking conversation, you are shit out of luck.

TG: no uh

TG: thats okay

TG: thanks

Dave takes a deep breath.

TG: i mean it would be nice to know how to have that conversation

TG: like if you just happened to have that info on hand i would definitely take it

TG: but you have already helped me a lot

TG: thanks bro

TG: god damn im all fucking shaken up by this

TG: i feel like i need to return the favor on epic romance advice

TG: hows the thing with jake

TT: Jake?

TT: Oh, right, Jake. There is no thing with Jake.

TG: hahaha come on man

Karkat and Jade sit at the couch, antsy and nervous. Well, mostly Karkat is nervous, but at this point the nerves have leaked into Jade as well. The culmination of many years of uncertainty is upon her, it feels like. There was a time where she felt like she was in eternal relationship limbo with these two. Her anxiety is not for the possibility of rejection, but for the possibility that she could find herself within that limbo again.

Dave, after talking to Dirk for a while, exits his room and walks out into the living room, seeing his two friends looking like they are about to take him right from the pan of real talk into the fire. He stops before the couch, wondering if maybe they hadn’t noticed him. Like maybe they can only see movement.

Karkat: WE KNOW YOU’RE THERE, JACKASS!!

Dave: shit

Karkat: COME SIT DOWN.

Dave: um

Karkat: DO YOU REALLY HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO?

Dave: wow babe that was rude

Dave: but alright

Dave: maybe at the table though it feels weird talking while we are all on the same couch

Dave: not a great intervention environment

Dave: youve gotta have equidistant seats at a table with your arms resting on said table with severe looks of concern and care in your eyes

Dave: yeah just like that

Dave: man why the fuck did you leave the table and walk to the couch

Dave: its like you people dont know anything about how to host a good real talk session

Jade: i got done eating and the couch is more comfy, sue me :P

The three of them take equidistant seats around their kitchen table. The self-aware attitude of the type of ‘real talk initiation ritual’ they are performing does not make it any more comfortable. They silently look at each other, waiting for one to begin. Dave obviously is the one being talked to in his eyes, so he stays silent. Karkat was the one who perused Jade about the topic, so she expects him to speak. Karkat just doesn’t know where to start. Jade sighs and rolls her eyes. She desperately doesn’t want to be the first one to talk, about as much as she desperately wants to yell at these boys. She puts her face in her right palm and stares at Karkat with a disgruntled expression.

Karkat: WHAT?

Jade raises her eyebrows.

Karkat: ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, FUCK. I’LL START!!

Karkat: I REALLY THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE THE ONE WHO WANTS TO GO OFF ABOUT ALL THIS SHIT.

Jade: i do

Jade: thats why im waiting!!

Karkat: WHATEVER, ALRIGHT.

Karkat: UM.

Karkat: SO, DAVE.

Karkat: HOW ARE YOU?

Dave: um

Jade: lol what?

Karkat: DON’T FUCKING MAKE FUN OF ME!!

Jade: then why am i even here?

Karkat: YOU KNOW *EXACTLY* WHY YOU ARE HERE!!

Jade: do i :p

Dave: excuse me

Dave: if i may interject

Dave: what the fuck are you people talking about

Karkat: EXCELLENT QUESTION DAVE!!

Karkat: I WISH I FUCKING KNEW AT THIS POINT!!

Karkat: ALRIGHT I NEED TO BREATH FOR A SECOND.

Karkat: GOD I TOTALLY AM NOT IN THE RIGHT MINDSET FOR THIS.

Jade: do you want to put it off?

Karkat: NO!!! FUCK THAT!!! I MEAN, THANK YOU FOR OFFERING, BUT GOD DAMN IM DONE WITH THAT SHIT. LET ME JUST BRING UP THE FUCKING ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM AND THEN ASK SOME QUESTIONS THERE.

Dave: sounds like a good enough set up

Dave: i mean you announcing that is what you are going to do it definitely takes away from the effect you are going for i think

Jade: why would it?

Dave: idk i feel like youre supposed to act like its a naturally forming conversation

Dave: that way you get the full unfiltered real reaction

Dave: like self awareness ruins it i guess

Jade: thats dumb! The more self aware we are about it the more honest we are being about the whole situation

Jade: it would be dumb to trap ourselves in these rituals just for the sake of preforming them, to the detriment of our actual happiness!!!!

Jade: sooooooooooo

Karkat: YEAH, SO, REMEMBER JUNE’S BIRTHDAY?

Dave: mhm

Karkat: …WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH THAT?

Jade: oh my god

Dave: hahahaha dude

Dave: whats the deal with junes birthday

Dave: happens once a year

Dave: but like

Dave: its not even just junes birthday

Dave: so why do we all just call it junes birthday

Jade: dumb

Dave: harsh

Karkat: OKAY FUCK I’M SORRY GOD DAMN!! IF MY INTERROGATION SKILLS AREN’T UP TO YOUR STANDARDS, FEEL FREE TO INTERJECT WHENEVER!!

Karkat: NOT LIKE I'M TRYING TO GET SOME HARD-HITTING EMOTIONAL FEELINGS OUT IN THE OPEN AND SHIT, GOD DAMN.

Karkat: DAVE, CAN YOU CUT THE BULLSHIT FOR FIVE MINUTES AND TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK YOU’RE THINKING?

Karkat: TO BE MORE SPECIFIC; WE ALL

Karkat: WELL… YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!! I JUST WANT TO KNOW… WHAT’S GOING THROUGH YOUR HEAD?

Karkat: BECAUSE IT’S SOMETHING. SOMETHING BIG ENOUGH THAT YOU HAVE BEEN ACTIVELY AVOIDING IT FOR HALF A YEAR.

Karkat: SO PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT YOU HOLD DEAR… WHAT’S GOING ON?

The two of them stare at Dave. His heart sinks as their eyes melt all of the barriers he has in place to keep his feelings and dumb emotions from taking over.

Dave: okay so

Dave: heres whats up

Dave: please dont interrupt btw im like

Dave: incredibly sensitive right now if you cant tell from the tone of my voice

Dave: im like all kinds of wounded about all this shit so dont make fun of me or else ill have a meltdown right here right now

Dave: and we cant be having that shit

Jade: alright

Karkat: YEAH, OKAY.

Dave: alright so heres how it went down

Dave: we were all having a great night

Dave: and honestly it was all great like it was a fun time and we were just so tired we all passed out on the couch with the tv on

Dave: i dont really know what was on tv i think it was that all troll cooking show

Dave: what the fuck is that show called again

Dave: doesnt matter

Dave: but like

Dave: we were all like

Dave: very close and shit

Dave: which is fine

Dave: but um

Dave: i was the first to wake up and like

Dave: um

Dave: well you see like

Dave: there was

Dave: there was a situation with the uh

Dave: boners

The room is silent. After a while Karkat breaks and starts chuckling under his breath.

Jade: wait so like

Jade: a situation?

Jade: what was the situation?

Dave: boners was the situation really

Jade: … whos boner?

Dave: i mean is that really relevant

Dave: the bottom line is there were boners

Dave: boners happened

Jade: okay and

Karkat: LMFAO.

Jade: so like

Jade: this was embarrassing?

Dave: i mean

Dave: yes

Jade: and so you decided to act like you couldnt talk to me for five and a half months because you… had an embarrassing boner.

Jade: really?

Dave: i mean when you say it like that it sounds fucking stupid

Jade: okay so how would you say it?

Dave: well the thing is apparently i wouldnt say it i would avoid saying it for as long as possible until forced into having a conversation about it

Dave: dude dont laugh im being vulnerable

Karkat: HOW?

Karkat: HOW DO I NOT LAUGH AT THIS? I WOULD GENUINELY LOVE TO KNOW.

Karkat: IS IT POSSIBLE TO LEARN THAT KIND OF POWER?

Dave: alright well like

Dave: im talking about it now so like

Dave: no biggie right

Jade: its been almost half a year

Dave: yeaaaaah alright ill admit thats not good

Dave: but um

Dave: lets talk now

Dave: assuming i havent ruined it for yall with my boner issues

Dave: not that i have issues with boners like

Dave: oh my god i literally just explained the boner situation why would you think i have boner issues

Dave: what even does boner issues even mean jesus

Dave: why am i so constantly fucking embarrassing god damn

Karkat: HEY DUDE, CHILL OUT, YOU’RE WORKING YOURSELF UP OVER THIS FOR BASICALLY NO REASON.

Karkat: I MEAN, YES YOU ARE AN INCREDIBLY EMBARRASSING PERSON ALL THE TIME.

Dave: thanks

Karkat: BUT I DON’T THINK ANY OF US ARE IN ANY PLACE TO REALLY JUDGE?

Karkat: AT LEAST NOT BEYOND LAUGHING AT YOU FOR A BIT AND THEN FORGETTING ABOUT IT.

Dave: yeah thats fair enough

Dave: huh this kind of makes this convo way easier doesnt it

Dave: like hearing about why i was avoiding this must make it way easier to talk about why you were avoiding this right

Dave: like yeah maybe its hard to talk about emotionally but at least it isnt the penis ouija of insecurities

Dave: which my life seems to just be the penis ouija of lives so like i might as well just go all in on that shit yknow

Dave: fuck maybe luxury polyamorous salami party or whatever the fuck it was is the most fitting end to a life of nonstop boner situations

Dave: like the idea of me having a boner situation is kind of ridiculous because like

Dave: youre like wait a new one

Dave: but no its just the same continuous lifelong boner situation

Dave: why am i still talking about boner situations

Dave: someone please stop me

Jade: gladly!!!

Jade: jeez ive been way too quiet for way too long

Jade: dont get me wrong, you boys have got to get your words out but

Jade: i also kind of have a hard time speaking up about this at all anymore!!

Jade: like, ive told you how i feel about you two…

Jade: and you have finally started working on your relationship with each other! your one year anniversary is coming up!

Jade: and i dont want to get in the way of that i guess

Jade: if you guys are ready i want to finally *actually* hear your voices on this and so

Jade: when you do i just want you guys to know that im fine with whatever you come up with

Jade: as long as its genuine

The two boys ponder for a few moments. Neither of them knows who should talk first. They both separately have a moment where they realize this is the point of no return where they could hypothetically leave now and go back to a life of ignoring this love triangle.

Dave: so like

Dave: ive done a lot of psychoanalysis on myself about this lmao

Dave: something that makes this so shitty to talk about is like

Dave: okay god I just realized im really fucking scared right now

Jade: if we need to we can pull back and recuperate if you need!

Dave: alright thanks

Dave: i think ill be okay

Dave: something that makes it so hard to talk about is that like

Dave: i like you jade

Dave: i really do

Dave: like all this time falling in love with karkat and my opinion about you hasnt really changed but

Dave: theres something blocking that thought process because

Dave: if rose was to see this she would probably say that you represent something to me

Dave: and im not all that sure what it is but its kind of freaky and im sorry i dont have a better reason

Karkat: I MEAN ITS YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY RIGHT?

Dave: i mean i already know im bisexual like

Dave: i know liking jade doesnt make me any less bi

Karkat: YEAH BUT IT’S STILL A RETURN TO FORM ON SOME LEVEL SO LIKE…

Karkat: IT WOULD KINDA MAKE SENSE IF IT FEELS LIKE BACKPEDALING ON SOMETHING YOU WORKED REALLY HARD FOR.

Dave: i guess

Dave: it really isnt anything personal jade fuck

Dave: this isnt your fault at all I just

Jade: no i get it

Jade: honestly im just so glad weve gotten this far? i care about you a lot and i want to know if this is a concern of yours!!

Jade: this can end now and ive gotten more closure i thought i would ever get last year…

Jade: so lets keep it up

Jade: karkat it sounded like you were kind of speaking from experience

Jade: so how do you feel about… me? this?

Jade: everything

Karkat: BECAUSE I GUESS I REALLY AM.

Karkat: MY MAIN ISSUE WITH ALL YOUR ADVANCES HAS ALWAYS BEEN HOW QUADRANT CENTRIC IT WAS?

Karkat: AND BEFORE YOU SAY YOU THINK QUADRANTS ARE DUMB ANYWAY, IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER!! YOU STILL PUT US IN QUADRANTS IN YOUR HYPOTHETICAL AND IT ALWAYS MADE ME REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE WITH IT.

Jade: oh… oh?

Jade: i dont know if i understand yet

Karkat: LISTEN, JADE… I DON’T WANT TO BE YOUR KISMESIS.

Karkat: JUST LIKE I NEVER WANTED TO BE DAVE’S MOIRAIL. OR AT LEAST, NOT *JUST* MOIRAIL?

Karkat: I GO BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN IF I WANT TO DENOUNCE QUADRANTS ENTIRELY OR NOT BECAUSE SOMETIMES IT’S HARD TO IGNORE THE TINGES OF PALE AND PITCH AND FLUSHED WE HAVE, HELL EVEN ASHEN SOMETIMES. NOT EVEN VACILATING BUT LIKE. SIMULTANIOUSLY?

Karkat: BUT I DON’T WANT ANY OF THAT ‘WE’RE IN QUADRANTS BUT WE AREN'T’ BULLSHIT. PLEASE.

Jade ponders to herself for a moment. She had definitely considered this as a struggle with Dave’s sexuality, but there are plenty of angles to this problem she hadn’t even considered. There are a lot of issues they have closed off from anyone other than each other. This is something beautiful, something they have that she cherishes with all her heart. And here they are, finally telling her that these issues are the only thing standing between them. She want’s to be that for them too. She sees them for how beautiful they are as people and knows them so well. She can’t imagine crashing daily on anyone else’s couch. Sometimes she wants to spend all her life cherishing her time with them as much as possible. She wants to marry them.

Wait, no. What? Why does she immediately jump to that? Why is her joy tied to theirs so tightly?

Jade: um

Jade: yeah thats fair!!

Jade: honestly i hadn’t even realized i was doing that? but i totally see that now!

Jade: and i think thats something i can totally accommodate for

Jade: i guess i never saw quadrants as a genuine societal pressure, more like a fun romance gimmick? Which is, in hindsight, really unfair.

Karkat: HOLY SHIT, YEAH, FUCKING THANK YOU!!

Karkat: I REALLY THOUGHT THAT WAS GOING TO GO OVER YOUR HEAD, NO OFFENSE. SEEMS LIKE NOBODY REALLY TAKES THAT ISSUE SERIOUSLY? TO BE FAIR THE ONLY ONE WHO I TALK ABOUT IT WITH IS KANAYA AND DAVE SO. THEY ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO EVEN HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO TAKE IT SERIOUSLY?

Karkat: BUT STILL.

Jade: and dave… as much as it seems like i have transcended earths standards of sexuality, i totally get where youre coming from

Dave: yeah i think karkat kind of hit it on the nose it

Dave: it was definitely a situation where i just wanted to pick one you know

Dave: but you cant really put that kind of stipulation on yourself.

Dave: at least I cant put that stipulation on myself

Dave: truth be told

Dave: i may be really fucking gay but im also really fucking bi

Dave: and thats just something ive gotta accept

Jade: and embrace! you shouldnt feel obligated to force yourself to only love one kind of person!

Jade: just like i shouldnt feel obligated to force myself to love only one person period!

Jade: and i totally appreciate your journey! i honestly dont take any offense to that

Jade: but um. all that is assuming to you wanting to date me haha

Jade: which i guess… is the next thing to talk about?

Jade: obviously no is a very fair and sound answer!

Jade: but i want to hear it

Jade: so dave, karkat…

Jade: what do you think?


	5. After Math

During her long life as an amateur nuclear physicist, gardener, musician, furry, god, and many other things, Jade Harley has had to face many hardships in her life. She has faced powerful demons and came out victorious and faced much loneliness. Finally, after years, she found her reward. A paradise where she has nothing but time to spend with her friends, people to meet, and all the freedom in the world to use having as much fun as a dog deity could ask for. Out of her pantheon of friends, she found the most joy early on in her life on Earth C. The other gods spent a lot of time struggling with their interpersonal issues, but Jade got used to this new life very quickly. It felt like she could find anything she wanted here. Well, almost anything…

One thing that seems to have alluded her was a rock. Yeah, sure, she loves meeting new people and finding new places to spend the night, but she also wants a place where she can feel at home. A place to come back to when the adventuring is done. Consistency. That’s the one thing she had the hardest time finding.

But, in time (specifically 8 years later), she would find herself in a nice comfortable corner of the troll kingdom, wind blowing through teal trees, surrounded on all sides by people who encompass the idea of comfort in her mind. The idea of belonging. The idea of Truth.

Here, she finds herself in the After Math. The aftermath of all that has ever been. The aftermath of all the universes, timelines, and frogs that have come before. All to bring them this. Paradise. And now she also finds herself in the aftermath of her own choices. She lives in a world where she and her friends’ words are law, where they can live out their wildest most self-indulgent fantasies, given that they have the courage to try.

Now, as crazy as it may seem to her, she is living her wildest, and most self-indulgent fantasy. Love. Okay, maybe that’s not true. She definitely could have found love in other circumstances, she’s good at that, but the part that seems crazy is who she is in love with. Dave and Karkat have always seemed like the uncrackable case. Like two of the most in love people that reality has ever known who could never figure themselves out. But here they are in love with each other. Even wilder, here they are in love with her. She couldn’t have asked for a better reward.

They look out at the stars together, laying down on the deck of their hive. They had a long day. There’s a strange solidarity they share in how alien the sky looks to all of them, all the constellations that they had grown used to now replaced with new ones. Jade leans, laying her head on Dave’s shoulder.

Dave: hey you see those two stars over there

Karkat: YEAH?

Dave: those two and that one together kind of looks like a cock

Karkat: OH MY GOD DAVE, NOT EVERYTHING IS A…

Karkat: HM.

Karkat: YEAH IT KIND OF DOES.

Jade: wow. i would make fun of you, but that is really uncanny!!

Dave: no doubts about it

Dave: thats a penis

You walk through the streets of the Carapacian Capital. You’ve spent a good two years here at least and yet there is still so much to explore. The city is just so damn big! Everywhere you turn there are small shops selling everything from tourist baiting Carapace Kingdom merch, handmade crafts, and toys. There are actually a lot of shops dedicated specifically to games. In a society where struggle is basically a concept of the past, people need things to take up time. So, games are sort of a store-bought struggle to soak up your energy while living in relative luxury forever. Unsurprisingly, there are a lot of stores dedicated specifically to chess. Chess add-ons, custom made chess pieces, alternate board shapes, some of which make no sense. Its all kind of gimmicky, given that carapaces are supposed to be like walking talking chess pieces, but it seems like they enjoy it. No harm done, you suppose. You would pick up the game, but everyone here is way better at it then you. You like to chalk this up to the fact that they are naturally predisposed to higher amounts of chess skill, and not the fact that they play the game and you do not. In reality, if you just put some time into it you could probably get better at it. But you have other things to do with your time. Like uh… wander around the streets aimlessly, waiting for things to happen to you, you guess.

You don’t plan on going shopping, you aren’t particularly hungry, you are out here for no reason other than to see what is out here. You have a deep love for the aesthetics of this place. There are plenty of sights to see and equally as plenty of interesting characters bustling through the streets. Speaking of interesting characters…

You suddenly see a large group of people all huddled around a coffee shop window. It looks a lot like paparazzi. You wonder who is in there...

Oh shit, it’s Jake. He makes eye contact with you. Seems like he is enjoying a cup of coffee in an empty coffee shop with the doors locked. He beckons you in, seemingly forgetting that the door is locked. You lean against the glass and try to mouth the words, “It’s locked”. Jake waves his hand in your direction and some white magic shoots in your direction. You fall through the window into the café.

Jake: Hello my friend! fancy seeing you here! it has been quite some time now hasn’t it? take a seat, there’s quite a bit to catch up with!

Jake: How have you been? i haven’t seen you since junes last birthday! nearly a year now…

You guess it has been a while. You hang out with Roxy, June, and Callie plenty, but… Dirk and Jake not so much. If you are being honest, their energy is a bit much for you? He’s dressed in a very weird outfit. Crop top, Shorts, and a trench coat. You think his coffee is spiked. He seems to be throwing around hope magic quite liberally, manifesting a stool for you to sit on when there was a chair three feet over, and manifesting a drink for you. It just so happens to be exactly what you wanted. You ask him what he’s been up to.

Jake: Oh, not a whole lot, just the same old same old! we’re in between seasons of ritpp, dirk and i, so im just enjoying the finer things in life.

You can dig that. It’s nice to not have to think about responsibilities and just go outside and experience life once in a while. Although, personally you tend to just watch shows on your phone on your free time.

Jake: Ive been spending a lot of time at the firing range, going on excursions and whatnot. and whenever im not doing that im… well im with dirk!

Jake: Yes, that chap can be quite the bitter pill sometimes but i have been quite enjoying partaking in some chicanery with him in recent times…

You are certainly curious about the nature of his relationship with Dirk, but you don’t want to pry… You wonder for a moment how tipsy Jake is currently. You may just leave him to his alcoholic coffee, you would feel really bad if he shared more than he would like in a sober state.

Jake: Dirk and i have quite the torrid history, but things seem to be really smoothing out? im just so unsure about the nature of our relationship anymore… we have always been very good buddies, but ever since we entered the game it’s been… well i guess it was not quite up to dick.

What.

Jake: Well you know, dirks from the future, so he has all these intellectual ideas about relationships, and quite a bit of insight when it comes to not fitting into the old world’s expectations, what with his transed gender and all! honestly i might even be able to keep up with some astute commentary of my own if i wasn’t so zozzled all the time. to be quite frank i am incredibly foggy on how we would even describe what we are to each other at this point! like just because im from the lousy old past doesnt mean I couldnt understand if he just EXPLAINED a thing or two to me! not that ive asked, but i feel as though it would be more than relevant given the situations we have found ourselves in in recent years! i dont know, even if im merely being preposterously overdramatic, its not like im the only one in this pickle that we have found ourselves in. but he just throws around his flappadoodle applesauce and im left in the dust! Like jee wilicker the claptrap that dirk comes up with sometimes!! it feels like any time we try to get to anything REAL between the two of us the conversation is so full of tummyrot that- fiddlefaddle!! Ii just realised all that horsefeathers he was telling me about future stuff might have been some elaborate monkeyshine! obviously he didnt lie to me about any of it, but he is quite the blatherskite and he LOVES to spit all kinds of bafflegab. id never accuse him of any jiggary-pokery but you know he...

None of those could have possibly been real words. My god, what is this man going on about. The more of that drink he sips the less you can understand what he is trying to say, and it all seems incredibly personal. You're sure that you and Jake could be good friends but you think that if you hear one more English-ism you are going to lose your god damn mind. You need an out, fast, before he tells you all the deepest secrets he knows in the most mind bogglingly stupid way possible.

As those thoughts go through your mind, suddenly, you see BD walking past the one window that is clear of paparazzi.

Jake: Now, whos that fellow? thats a man who knows how to wear a trenchcoat!

You tell Jake that’s an old friend of yours, and ask if he would mind if you left to go catch up with him.

Jake: Of course! say hello to the man for me, will you?

Sure thing, Jake. You walk towards a wall and Jake uses his Hopey reality bending powers to phase the window out of existence so you can slip out past the crowd of people trying to take pictures of the tipsy adventurer. You yell out to BD to get his attention, and wave your arm.

BD: Well, if it isn’t my friend the human that looks like a carapacian and dresses like a troll. How have you been Reader?

You and BD share stories from the last couple of years. You tell your friend that you aren’t quite sure what your deal is either.

BD: What do you mean?

Who you are on any level honestly? The most obvious being that you are very certain that you are a human but have a large pile of evidence separating you from all other humans you have seen, but also more than that. You don’t have much of an identity either. You suspect it may be some meta reason, like being a reader-insert character or something, but you have another suspicion, one that scares you a lot more… that maybe it isn’t a meta reason at all.

BD: Ah… well have you ever felt a sense of identity?

Yeah, you did. You almost forgot, but yes, you did once feel a sense of community and belonging. You grab Malleks hoodie. You begin to tell BD about your old friends. You sometimes feel like you should avoid talking about those you have lost, but honestly you find a lot of comfort in reminiscing on the memories. What’s the point of remembering any of it if you aren’t allowed to remember the good times? It’s a good exercise, you think, recounting the things that brought you where you are.

Jade sits at a café table, looking across the room at Dave and Karkat. They are talking to the Barista, asking for a couple of drinks as well as a scone that Jade asked them to get for her. They have been standing there, talking to each other for much longer than is necessary for two people to order drinks and a scone. Jade looks over at them and wonders what they could be discussing, imagining a conversation about nothing in particular. Something very true about the two of them is that once they start talking to one another, they can go on like that forever. It’s something June teases them for, but It’s one of Jades favorite things about them. It adds meaning to the silent moments they share together. Sitting out on the grass, listening to a nearby river, or listening to the consistent beats of each other’s hearts. She stops wondering what they are saying and just looks at them and smiles. She needed a break like this. Moving can be so stressful.

Jade wasn’t sure about moving in officially with Dave and Karkat for some time, but there was this psychic pressure beaming down on her. There are some things that she feels are just meant to happen. After every love story and after the credits of every rom com there is something that everyone assumes you do. You settle down. Now is her time to settle down. She finally is with the people she wanted to be with, so now her story is over. At least, that's what The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement taught her. Growing up with the media she did it was easy to see that the point that her life is in right now is far past the point that her movie would end. No one tells this part of the tale. It is just assumed that she will move in with the loves of her life and live happily ever after. So that is what she intends to do.

Jake sits at that coffee shop for some time. After sobering up he begins to notice the day is well on its way to finishing up, so he begins to head to the Consort Kingdom. Jake enters his home to find Dirk, fiddling with a couple pieces of a new robot. He isn’t building or fixing it, just clicking two pieces in and out of place.

Jake: Oh! hello there dirk, i didnt expect you to be back so soon!

Dirk: Sorry about that, Karkat needed to go help Jade move in, so the hang out sesh was cut pretty short. Oh hey you will never believe who we ran in to.

Jake: I highly doubt that.

Dirk: Yeah, no you will definitely believe who we ran in to. Still surprising though. We saw Callie.

Jake: Oh shit! what the hell were they doing all the way out in the consort kingdom?

Dirk: Just doing some light reading.

Jake: they traveled halfway across the planet just to do some light reading?

Dirk: Yep.

Dirk: I think they needed some space from home. Apparently, June’s been a little distant and they are getting worried about her.

Jake: Oh dear, well recovery isnt always a linear process… i hope she feels better soon!

Dirk: Shes pretty tough, I’m sure she will do alright.

Jake: Dirk, you ever think about who we are?

Dirk: Jake.

Jake: Dirk.

Dirk: I’m the Prince of Heart. Remember that whole fiasco about all my personalities converging on one another? That whole thing? Yeah, sometimes I think about who I am. Y’know, it comes up every now and then.

Dirk: I’d ask if you’re drunk but I know for a fact you are just a little tipsy right now and I am very familiar with how you act when you are drunk. If anything, you get more avoidant about introspection. So, what the hell is going on?

Jake: Well you dont have to be a jackass about it! is it that unreasonable that a bro might want to talk to another bro about whats going on between the two of them?

Dirk: …

Dirk: Um.

Dirk: No?

Dirk: I guess I assumed the two of us individually, not like.

Dirk: As a joint unit.

Jake: Well its not like it isnt relevant!

Jake: We’ve been a lot more palsy for the last year than we ever have been before. and as far as chums go we were pretty damn close before! and honestly, i dont even know what the dickens is going on with my love life!! i used to run away from stuff like this, but now im just frustrated! i want to have a word for how i feel sometimes god dammit!!

Dirk: Well if it’s words you need, I guess you came to the right place.

Dirk: I fucking dish out words like cheep fucking cigars at a cartoonishly villainous businessman convention.

Jake: Well… if i was born in twenty-twenty whatever… what would they call me?

Jake: What is it called when you love someone but love feels like a distant relative i can barely recognize?

Jake: Dirk, am i broken?

Dirk: No.

Dirk: You aren’t broken, Jake. I don’t know how to do your journey of self-realization, but I think I can at least introduce you to some concepts if you need.

Jake: Yes, I could defiantly use some bloody concepts.

Dirk: See, people from after your time, in-between dealing with celebrity presidents causing unparalleled amounts of suffering, spent a lot of time philosophizing about gender and sexuality.

Jake: I dont need that, I already have a solid grasp on my gender and sexuality! I play a man on the telly and having sex is fun.

Dirk: Okay, as far as ‘solid grasps’ on subjects go, that was basically the weakest grasp imaginable. Like a wet noodle handshaking a dead octopus. That’s not what i was going to go in on though.

Dirk: They also had some pretty advanced thoughts about romance.

Dirk: I can give you some reading if you want.

Jake: I hate to say dirk, but i think you have been spending too much time around your buddy karkat.

Dirk: Yeah, that’s true.

Dirk: I’ve decided to embrace it, despite how mortifying it is that I just unironically told you about my advanced romantic knowledge then suggested you read some shit. That's some pretty shamelessly Vantaslike behavior.

Dirk: Although all the info I got was from ancient as hell blog posts and shit rather than huge ass pornographic books.

Dirk: Anyway, I’ll send you some links, how’s that?

Jake: That sounds splendid!

Jake: Now, i hope this doesnt come off as too forward, but im hoping that it may leave some light on our relationship…

Dirk: Oh. Uh. What do you think about us?

Jake: Well… ive always thought of the two of us as sort of partners… but it’s hard to say if it’s platonic? It definitely could have been… but always in a bit of a queer way, if that makes sense? not queer as in an antiquated way of saying weird. like queer as in the way people actually use the word.

Dirk slaps his forehead with his palm.

Dirk: Jake, I wouldn’t worry about it. I think you will figure it out.

Dirk: And when you do you can come back to me, and give me the biggest, gayest announcement your jaunty shorts can manage.

Jake: Alright, sounds like a good deal!

Jake: Sorry if this all kind of came out of nowhere… things have just been feeling kind of… weird lately. i almost said queer but i stopped myself.

Dirk: Thank you.

Jake: Youre welcome!

Dirk: You said things have been feeling weird. What do you mean by that?

Dirk: Weird in a specific way?

Jake: No, not really. why do you ask?

Dirk: Because I have been getting some weird vibes as well, and I was wondering if it was in the same way that you have been feeling. However it doesn’t seem so.

Jake: Tell me about it anyway. 

Dirk: Alright. It actually kinda goes back to my whole personality convergence shit that was going on.

Jake: oh golly… you arent like… 

Dirk: Ascending? No. It seems like our level of canonicity is basically trashed forever, and the only thing keeping our reality within existence is some sort of structure outside our reality that I can’t identify. 

Dirk: The weird thing is… I’m not even sure exactly how to describe it.

Dirk stands up and leans against one of his workbenches.

Dirk: I’m getting this weird feeling of… after-ness. Like the curtains have closed on us. Like whatever equation our lives were has been solved for a long time now. Like we are Done. Our story is over and there is nothing for us to do now. 

Jake doesn’t really understand when Dirk goes on about canonicity, they just have an agreement that Dirk can tell Jake this stuff without it becoming a major issue so that he can get it out of his system. He needs to talk to someone about it, and Jake has agreed to just go with it and not ask a million questions about what it all means. It’s all just meta stuff.

Jake: Now, i hope you dont find this suggestion insulting, i really dont mean it to be. but im wondering… do you think this is meta stuff as per usual or just your mind at work sabotaging yourself by filling your head with humbuggary?

Dirk: You think I’m just depressed? 

Jake: I’m not saying that! not that its unlikely, hell i have definitely been there! honestly i think it would be pretty foolish to dismiss it all as some ridiculous piffle given how telling this intuition of yours has been in the past… but i think it may be that we have invented this idea of post-importance, rather than it actually being true.

Jake: And if it IS true, what do you think it means?

Dirk: I don’t know. Probably something along the lines of our decisions no longer mattering and life losing all meaning as we fade into assumptions and obscurity. 

Jake: OR it could mean that we have to make meaning ourselves. because in the end, all psychic meta knowledge aside, it is true that we are in the aftermath of something far beyond our understanding, that being sburb! this means we make reality rather than it making us, NOT that our lives have no purpose or meaning. hell, just making our stupid show together has made time on earth c more worthwhile, at least to me. Ive never said this, but spending time with you has broken down all those bloody false versions of myself i used to hide behind and let me really just be myself! im definitely not perfect and i definitely still struggle but you have helped me a lot just with the time we have spent together. i think this conversation alone is proof enough that i have gotten a lot better about being straightforward and upfront about my thoughts. so yeah, in the kindest way one fellow can say, “fuck that” to another fellow, fuck that!!

Jake: The time we are spending here, no matter how much of a forgotten after credits theme it is, matters a boatload!

Dirk: …

Dirk: Thanks Jake. 

Dirk: That means a lot to hear actually.

You sit at a bench in a park, taking in the fresh air with BD. He takes a bite out of a ham sandwich.

BD: Hey, were you hanging out with the Page of Hope?

You nod.

BD: I didn’t know you were friends with the gods. That’s pretty cool if I’m being honest.

BD: I’ve only ever met the gods once.

BD: They aren’t really shy, so almost everyone has seen them at least once, but it’s a big planet so very few see them frequently.

Oh shit, really? Who was it?

BD: I was walking a friend of mine home… He was up late at night and his place doesn’t have a road… he didn’t wanna walk to his house alone.

BD: We were walking down the dirt path, and suddenly we were jumped.

BD: We were attacked by Bec Noir.

BD: The Maid of Life and the Knight of Time were hot on his trail, and the Rogue and Muse were pretty close behind them.

BD: Noir grabbed me and used me as a hostage. Scared me up. I closed my eyes, then suddenly Jane had Jacks unconscious body. I’m not sure how, I would assume the Knight used some fancy Time god powers.

BD: But yeah, they saved my ass.

BD: That's the only time I ever saw any of the gods.

BD: Pretty wild huh?

Dave and Karkat are sitting on the couch as Jade runs to and fro around the house, unpacking her things. It’s kind of a weird event, given that she was half moved in already. The oddness of this process is duly noticed by the two boys, and they aren’t hiding it.

Dave: hey jade

Dave: can i ask you a question

Jade: of course!

Dave: why are you even moving in

Dave: you have got so much stuff spread out around every kingdom on earth c you might as well already be moved in to like 11 different homes

Dave: like dont get me wrong im glad and all

Dave: its just

Dave: i dont know

Dave: weird

Karkat: I KNOW. IT’S WEIRD SPECIFICALLY BECAUSE ALL OF YOUR SHIT WAS ALREADY HERE. WHAT IS THE POINT OF TAKING YOUR STUFF OUT OF OUR OTHER FRIENDS HOUSES AND PUTTING IT HERE?

Karkat: IT’S NOT LIKE YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO ANY OF THEIR HOUSES EVER AGAIN OR SOME SHIT.

Jade pauses for just a moment. She suddenly realizes that she has been pacing with the same box of knickknacks without putting them anywhere for some time.

Jade: well, yeah, but now im in a committed relationship! im settling down!

The irony in Jade saying that she’s “settling down” while practically hopping up and down and pacing wildly all day would be a lot more appreciated by Dave on any other day, but instead Karkat and Dave just kind of look at each other and grimace.

Karkat: BEING IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN’T LIVE YOUR LIFE DUDE. LIKE YOU DON’T HAVE TO FUNDAMENTALLY CHANGE HOW YOU INTERACT WITH THE WORLD. SURE, IF YOU WANT TO MAKE SOME CHANGES, GO AHEAD, BUT DO IT BECAUSE YOU WANT TO, NOT BECAUSE IT’S WHAT YOU THINK YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO.

Dave: damn babe well put

Karkat: YEAH, BIG SURPRISE, KARKAT VANTAS HAS THOUGHTS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS.

Jade puts her box of things down and slumps down on the couch.

Jade: i mean!! i guess

Jade: i dont know, i guess i assumed thats what you guys wanted too?

Jade: what DO you want?

Jade: should i live here or should i just keep couch surfing ad infinitum?

Dave: why the hell are you asking us

Dave: like not to be massively unhelpful but its your life and you should be the one who decides what you do with your time

Dave: like were still planning on being here for you and shit no matter what

Karkat: YEAH, AND HONESTLY, I'M KIND OF SURPRISED YOU EVEN ASKED US?

Karkat: YOU MORE THAN ANYONE HAVE ALWAYS MADE YOUR DECISIONS BASED ON WHAT YOU WANT, SO WHY ARE YOU PUTTING YOUR ENTIRE LIFE PLAN ON WHAT THE TWO OF US WANT?

Karkat: WHICH, BY THE WAY, IS JACK SHIT OTHER THAN BEING WITH YOU AND FUCKING HANGING OUT AND STUFF.

Jade: idk, i guess i dont know what i want

Jade: like, i know i should do what makes me happy… but it feels like there are things that im supposed to do? things that are supposed to make me happy

Jade: and for the most part i have ignored those things because the very idea of them did the opposite of make me happy!!

Jade: but isnt there supposed to be a time when that stuff is supposed to start making me happy?

Dave: maybe there is

Jade: you think so?

Dave: but it clearly isnt now so why bother with all that shit

Dave: like you should just do what makes you happy for where you are at now

Dave: because we have like all of infinite time to change plans and do something else

Jade: god damn, when did you two become the smart ones in this relationship?

Karkat: I WOULDN’T GIVE US THAT MUCH CREDIT, I THINK YOU ARE KIND OF JUST PSYCHING YOURSELF OUT BECAUSE OF STUFF YOU LEARNED FROM YOUR OLD SOCIETY, WHICH IS LIKE THE *ONE* THING DAVE AND I HAVE ANY FUCKING ACTUAL EXPERIENCE IN DEALING WITH.

Dave: it comes with practice

Dave: see thats your problem jade

Jade: yes dave, tell me what my problem is

Dave: okay cool this seems a lot like not a trap on any level

Dave: you are better at not letting society's expectations affect your personality than we are

Dave: which means when push comes to shove and there's an enormous society problem to deal with you dont know your ass from a seven hour long therapy session

Karkat: WE NEVER WENT TO THERAPY?????

Dave: where as karkat and i know what the fuck is up were like veterans of dealing with that kind of shit all up and shell shocked from that shit steeled and ready for battle

Dave: weve been through the fucking trenches and now we can guide you through the uh

Dave: the new trenches

Dave: this metaphor is losing me

Dave: actually i dont know if that metaphor had legs to stand on to begin with

Dave: actually now that i think about it ignore everything ive said for the past minute

Dave: while youre at it ignore basically all the embarrassing shit i have said and done for the past year of this relationship

Karkat: WHICH RELATIONSHIP? BECAUSE NEITHER ARE A YEAR OLD.

Dave: what no way we have to be coming up on a year

Karkat: ARENT YOU THE FUCKING TIME GUY? WHY DO YOU FORGET THIS SHIT SO MUCH?

Karkat: YOU AND I HAVE BEEN DATING FOR TWO YEARS AND WE HAVE BEEN DATING JADE FOR HALF A YEAR.

Karkat: YEARS AREN’T EVEN THE MEASUREMENT OF TIME I GREW UP WITH WHY AM I BETTER AT THIS THAN YOU?

Dave: oh wow it feels like we have been doing this for way longer

Jade: yeah it really does…

Dave: but yeah anyway

Dave: digressing as fucking always

Dave: i love you and shit and you should do what makes you happy

Jade: youre right

Jade: ill probably leave most of the stuff I brought here hehehe

Jade: ill take my bass back to rose and kanayas place but other than that im kind of exhausted.

Jades lovers come in for a hug for a moment and Jade lets out a long sigh.

Jade: guys…

Dave: yeah

Karkat: YEAH?

Jade: Fo you ever feel like our story is over?

Dave: you have been spending too much time around rose

Dave: between that and karkat spending so much time with dirk yall are gonna end up destroying me with all your two billion iq takes and shit

Dave: ill be downright defenseless against yall

Karkat: NO WAY. OUR STORY ISN’T ANYWHERE NEAR DONE YET.

Karkat: IGNORING THE FACT THAT OUR LIVES AREN’T FUCKING STORIES AND THIS IS REAL FUCKING LIFE WE ARE TALKING ABOUT HERE.

Karkat: THER IS A LOT WE HAVEN’T DONE YET AND YOU BETTER BE FUCKING VERTAIN THAT WE WILL BE DOING IT ALL. WE DIDN’T FIGHT THROUGH SBURB JUST TO ROT IN OUR HIVES FOR ETERNITY WHEN WE GOT DONE WITH IT.

Dave: haha youre one to talk about seizing life by the reigns or whatever we never even leave the house

Karkat: YEAH BUT I’M RIGHT.

Dave: yeah

Jade: thanks you guys :’) i think i needed to year that

Jade: sometimes its easy to feellike theres nothing left to do i guess

Jade: but i think youre right!

Jade: in fact im certain :)

Jade: there is a lot more in store for us


End file.
